Thought Zero – Ring of Honor is here, filling my television screen from corner to corner. But will it fill me with good vibes? Let’s find out.

1. Ian Riccaboni and Colt Cabana are at the announce desk. I’d rather have BJ Whitmer out there, I think, but maybe they can do a three person booth. Maybe that would cut down on Cabana’s goofiness a tad.
2. First match features one of the best in the world right now, “The Villain” Marty Scurll. He is taking on Jay White. Colt Cabana says this is a dream match. I am not sure I’d go that far as White hasn’t been around enough, I think. But White has been impressive, so let’s see how this goes. White is wearing an odd white denim jacket with the sleeves cut off and a Danzig skull on the back. Honestly, I am not sure what to make of that look.
3. Scrunchie update – Jay White still doesn’t have one. I forsee a neck injury in young Mr. White’s future with all those hair flips he has to do.
4. We start off with some impressive mat wrestling from both men. Nice counters and trading of moves with neither one getting an advantage. It goes on until White “hits” a dropkick to take control. And by “hits” I mean he jumps in the air while Scurll is running past him and then falls down when he gets to his back. The timing was way off there. White follows up the blunder with an impressive Muta lock though.
5. Now we get a pinfall reversal sequence that seems to be a bit slow, but Scurll redeems it by getting his feet on the ropes for additional leverage on a backslide. After a poke to the eyes, Scurll traps White in the ring skirt and then hits a double stomp on White’s hand to take us into commercial.
6. Back from break with The Villain in complete control. Jay White does have impressive chops though. He is tall and long and the chops look visually impressive. Scurll takes too long showboating and White is able to mount a comeback. White hits two rolling suplexes and then a third into the turnbuckle. Of note here, White hit a snap Flatliner counter to a big lariat attempt  by Scurll which was pretty darn cool. Also of note, Scurll slapped on a crucifix into a modified Octopus Stretch while keeps his full weight on White’s shoulders.
7. Why do I think Marty Scurll is awesome? Here is just one example. Jay White grabs a back waist lock on Scurll to go for a back suplex. Scurll grabs the top turnbuckle to resist. White pulls him harder and Scurll loses his grip on the turnbuckle. But no worries, because he is still HOLDING ONTO THE TAG ROPE IN THE CORNER! Of course this stretches another foot or two, creating a visual I have never seen in all my years of watching wrestling.
8. Scurll wins after distracting White and the ref with the umbrella, kitting White in the kiwis, and rolling him up in a small package. I normally hate cheap finishes like that, but this one worked based on how equal the two men looked in the match. Plus it sets up what could be a very good rematch. And I know, I am 8 thoughts in already. Marty Scurll is awesome, okay. That is all.
9. The Addiction cuts a promo on Jay Lethal and Kushida. I know they have the tag match coming up, but I’d be good with a Lethal/Daniels feud and Kazarian/Kushida feud. After commercials, Jay Lethal cuts a counter-promo on The Addiction and defending the honor of Ring of Honor.
10. Next match is The Tempura Boyz versus The Dawgs (Rhett Titus and Will Ferrara). Apparently this is a rematch from a Death Before Dishonor match won by the Tempura Boyz. Listening to Riccaboni and Cabana overpronounce “Dawgs” was funny the first three times. The 485 times after that, not so much. The Dawgs get into a little argument and then use each other as weapons. Interesting. The Tempura Boyz look much better than I’ve seen them before. That’s good to see but The Dawgs get the win with a gordbuster/bulldog type combo.
11. Bonus – We get a weird Bullet Club promo with everyone doing very fake laughs. All the way through the commercial break actually. Caprice Coleman has joined the announce desk for the main event – a #1 TV title contender match between Shane Taylor, Chuckie T (Chuck Taylor, no relation), Punishment Martinez, and Mark Briscoe. I’m sorry, but I can’t take the name Chuckie T seriously. This is going to be a crazy match, so I am not even going to attempt any type of play by play. Every man played their role in this match – Martinez was the scary monster, Shane Taylor was the big, fat guy, Chuck Taylor was the bland wrestler fodder, and Briscoe was the wild card. By the way, I am not going to call Chuck Taylor Chuckie T or the Kentucky Gentleman. Because both names are stupid.Eventually we get the Martinez/Shane Taylor staredown, but the crowd does not seem to be into it too too much. But they do pop huge for Martinez to do a crazy dive onto everyone outside the ring. And the end of the match was cool with Mark Briscoe hitting a Froggy Bow on Chuckie T, jumping off the back of Punishment Martinez who was unconscious and laying on the top rope. Post-match, Jay Briscoe came out to confront his brother, asking him if his last name is still Briscoe or if it is Dudley. Then asking him if he is still part of a team or if he’s just doing the singles thing. I don’t really want to see a Briscoe versus Briscoe feud, but that seems to be what they are building to.

Anyway, a pretty good week for ROH. Until next week…

Good day, sunshine. You may (or may not) have noticed there was no Fantasy Book column last week. The reason for this is quite simple – I didn’t write one. Oh, I planned on writing one but the WWE stole my thunder. How so? Well, my idea for last week’s Fantasy Book was to examine what might be some of the most intriguing potential feuds still out there. Not dream matches necessarily, but dream storylines between characters.

And then Bray Wyatt got sick. And they threw AJ Styles into a match with Finn Balor. And so help me, that was the exact example I was going to use for my column! I was mad they just threw away that match on a sub-par PPV with no build and no time dedicated to creating something epic.

Now, a week later, I have decided to write the column anyway. So, here is my take on how the WWE should have created an AJ Styles/Finn Balor storyline.

We would start out with acknowledging that the Bullet Club is a thing that exists. Instead of hinting at it and talking about it without naming it, the announcers would be allowed to speak its name. And the WWE shouldn’t be worried about people going to look elsewhere and not watching their programming because it could be done in a way to make it look like the WWE is where the leaders of the Bullet Club want to be.

Finn Balor could start talking on Raw about how the Balor Club is an extension of the Bullet Club. He could say that he created the Bullet Club and found a calling in leading them. Now he wishes to lead the Balor Club, and he will lead by example. He could even start showing some heelish tendencies, acting a bit more megamaniacal than we’ve seen before. He’d almost have a CM Punk-ish cult leader feel develop to his character.

More importantly though, Balor would stop ignoring Karl Anderson and Luke Gallows. Anderson and Gallows would start hanging out with Balor, coming to the ring with him for his matches, interfering on his behalf, etc. The immediate rub would be followed by Anderson and Gallows regaining some of their tough guy personae.

The Balor Club would gain strength on Raw with Anderson and Gallows possibly winning the tag titles and Finn winning the Intercontinental title.

Meanwhile, over on Smackdown Live, AJ Styles would begin to comment on Finn Balor and what he is doing over on Raw. He could even call Anderson and Gallows traitors, that they hung out with him a lot longer than they did with Balor. He will talk about how even though Balor started the Bullet Club, they didn’t become the worldwide superstars they were until they had a phenomenal leader, namely himself.

Styles would continue to talk about how Balor was good, but he wasn’t phenomenal. Styles would taunt Balor on the mic and on social media for several weeks. In fact, the two men would continue to needle each other through promos, interviews, tweets, etc. Eventually, Styles would make a challenge to Balor for Survivor Series. Balor would accept and we would have a match scheduled between the two former Bullet Club leaders.

At Survivor Series, Balor and Styles would put on an excellent match. Styles faced distractions several times by Anderson and Gallows, but was able to hang on. After a half hour or so match, Styles would counter a Coup De Grace into a Calf Crusher. Before Balor could tap out, Anderson and Gallows would rush the ring and attack Styles. Styles would win via disqualification, but the beatdown would continue.

Before Anderson and Gallows could hit the Magic Killer, the Guerillas of Destiny would come charging out of the back. Tama Tonga and Tanga Loa would hit the ring and chase off the three Balor Club members. Styles would grab a mic and announce he brought his own backup in the form of the G.O.D.

Both groups would continue verbal and physical attacks on each others’ shows for several weeks after. During that time, the G.O.D. could win the Smackdown tag titles and Styles could regain the US title. Now, towards the end of the year, Balor would challenge Styles to a match at the Royal Rumble. This time it would be Balor, Anderson, and Gallows versus Styles, Tonga, and Loa.

At the Rumble, this 6 man match would be crazy and exciting and fast. Just as it looked like the Balor Club might get a victory, Adam Cole would come through the crowd and attack both teams. With him would be two men in masks who did not look like reDRagon. Cole and these masked men would start superkicking everyone in sight, even yelling that it was a party. Then, to the shock of almost everyone in the arena, Cole would pull off his partners masks to reveal Matt and Nick Jackson, the Young Bucks.

Cole will then present a special edition of Story Time. He will remind Balor and Styles that they are not the only two who have led Bullet Club. Cole will point out his leadership stateside of the Bullet Club. He would say that just because he was in NXT to not count him out or short-shrift him. And these guys (pointing at the Bucks), like having fun, so he invited them to a superkick party.

This would then become a 3-brand feud. Attacks could come on any of the main shows or on NXT shows. It could be one group attack or two groups attack. The possibilities are very large.

If there is another PPV between the Royal Rumble and WrestleMania like there normally is, they could have a specialty 9-man, 3-team match between Finn Balor, Karl Anderson, and Luke Gallows versus AJ Styles, Tama Tonga, and Tanga Loa versus Adam Cole, Matt Jackson, and Nick Jackson.

After a grueling match which ends with the Young Bucks hitting an IndyDriver on AJ Styles for the pin, we would see Cody Rhodes appear at the top of the ramp, slow clapping. Cody would signal backstage to someone to come on out. Joining him on stage would be Adam Page and Marty Scurll.

As everyone in the ring, in various states of exhaustion, look up the ramp, Kenny Omega, Bad Luck Fale, and Chase Owens attacks from through the crowd. It is easy pickings at that point. Omega grabs a microphone and announces that everyone else are FORMER members of Bullet Club, but the three standing in the ring are the CURRENT Bullet Club, and they are here in WWE.

We will be told in the coming weeks that Omega, Fale, and Owens have been signed by the WWE, but have not been assigned to a brand. We will also learn that Cody Rhodes, Page, and Scurll have not been signed, but are in negotiations with WWE (which can extend beyond WrestleMania). Omega, Fale, and Owens will show up on Raw, Smackdown, and NXT threatening everyone and laying out two challenges for WrestleMania.

At WrestleMania we will have two four-corner matches. The first will involve the tag teams: Anderson and Gallows versus G.O.D. versus Young Bucks versus Bad Luck Fale and Chase Owens. The second will involve the four men who have claimed leadership of Bullet Club over the years: Finn Balor versus AJ Styles versus Adam Cole versus Kenny Omega.

How is that for a WrestleMania moment?

Until next week…

Thought Zero – Non-ROH related, but I saw that Emma was released by the WWE this weekend along with Summer Rae and Darren Young. I am not surprised about Young or Summer, they really didn’t have anything for them, plus they weren’t very good. But Emma was getting a push. She was getting herself over. She just introduced Asuka to the main roster. I am quite confused about that roster move. Unless they are reverting to heels in the women division being nothing but Mean Girls Redux. Moving on to ROH…

1. We start with The Addiction badmouthing Jay Lethal and Kushida. Christopher Daniels drops a few vulgarities which get bleeped out adding a tad bit of energy to the promo. But overall, nothing that exciting to begin the show.
2. And we go from a relatively tame opening promo to the entrance of the boring ROH champ Cody Rhodes. But don’t worry, he is just going to add boring commentary to the opening match. The opening match is actually Jonathan Gresham versus TK O’Ryan. The Kingdom have home-made signs that say “Conspiracy!” but I am not sure what that is all about.
3. Gresham locks a hammerlock on O’Ryan within the first couple minutes and O’Ryan screams like his arm is being torn from his body. Come on, TK… There is no need to chew this much scenery this early.
4. A couple commentary notes: 1. Cody has a pretty good Jesse “The Body” Ventura impersonation. 2. Cody, Colt Cabana, and Ian Riccaboni all share amazement that Vinny Marsaglia is allowed to bring a literal axe to the ring. It is the same thing that has been said the past few times he’s been on television, but it is pretty good stuff nonetheless. 3. Cody even calls for a petition to ban the axe.
5. The match ends after the official sends the MotorCity Machine Guns backstage and follows with the rest of The Kingdom getting the same treatment. Taven and Marseglia delay however and eventually just charge the ring resulting in a 3-on-1 beatdown and giving Gresham the win by disqualification.
6. Back from commercial break and Cody decides to address the crowd. Oh joy. He is calling himself a “company man” now that he has signed a contract with ROH. Okay, that’s pretty funny. He then calls out Scorpio Sky to give him a title shot since The Addiction attacked him and Kushida previously. Sky didn’t impress me much before, but I’ll give him another shot. However, he went from wrestling Kushida to Cody Rhodes, so I don’t have much faith in that.
7. Sky gets a couple dives to start, but Cody is able to take control pretty easily. Sky does a couple moves which seem overly contrived and must be part of his signature routine, but that is countered to a LaBell Lock by Cody followed by a “Yes!” chant. They aren’t even trying to hide their hope that Brian Danielson shows up after his WWE contract expires. Eventually Sky taps out to Cody’s American Deathlock maneuver. This actually worked better for me than the Cheeseburger match he had recently because Cody never looked to be in danger of losing. As champion, he should look strong, and he did here.
8. Now we get Kenny King on Coleman’s Pulpit. Caprice has lost the “fancy” stage and has a couple chairs in front of a blank wall. He does have the little crawl at the bottom of the screen with tweets coming in though, so that’s fun. Coleman references Kenny King’s time on The Bachelorette and wonders if ROH is just taking advantage of his new mainstream publicity. Pretty decent question actually. And they don’t shy away from the fact that Coleman and King were partners not too long ago. The vibe is friendly and works pretty darn well. Good work.
9. The must really need to stretch for time because they just spent three minutes with the camera on Cabana and Riccaboni talking about what we literally just saw. Whoever is directing the show today needs to back away from the WWE tropes. Main event time – The Addiction versus Kushida and Jay Lethal. They go to break in the middle of Kazarian’s in-ring promo. Well, that was pretty rude.
10. The Addiction stalls before any action takes place and decides to take the countout loss. But Kushida dives on both men before they can leave. Lethal and Kushida take control before we head to break. Kushida mocks Christopher Daniels’ time as Curry Man which goes over the head of most of the crowd but is actually pretty good stuff. Lethal gets to play Ricky Morton for a while but Kushida gets the hot tag. Then Kushida turns into Ricky Morton and Lethal makes the save. Kushida tags back to become Robert Gibson. Kushida eventally makes Christopher Daniel  tap to the Hoverboard Lock.

And that’s all for today. Next week Kenny King defends against Mark Briscoe. Should be great! Have a good week!

Hello everyone.

I have decided to continue the Fantasy Feuds idea I ran with last week. I may have gone a bit overboard with the Bullet Club craziness, so we’re just going to take it back a few notches today.

This week we are going to fantasy book a fantasy feud for one of my favorite professional wrestlers on the planet – Marty “The Villain” Scurll. Currently, Scurll is working in Ring of Honor, where he won the ROH TV title on his first night in the company. After several very impressive title defenses (including one against the 3-time former ROH champion Adam Cole), he lost the belt to Kushida.

Very shortly after that, he moved into another phase of his career. He joined the Bullet Club and kicked Adam Cole out of Bullet Club at the behest of Kenny Omega. But for the past several months he has been relegated to the background behind people like the Young Bucks and Cody Rhodes. However, you can’t keep a talent like Scurll down for long and I expect him to shine something spectacular soon.

First, I would have Scurll start to express frustration at not being front and center in the Bullet Club ranks in Ring of Honor. He would talk about how he isn’t even part of the six-man tag team champions. He hasn’t had a title shot in months and he knows he is better than the fools who have been wrestling Cody. The rest of the Bullet Club would try to calm him down, but Cody would condescend to him, telling him to stay in his lane and go get the TV title back.

This would infuriate Scurll, but he would display a slow burn towards Cody. As that occurs, Ring of Honor would sign a familiar face – Austin Aries. Aries would make a show of returning home after his time in WWE. He would immediately challenge Cody for the ROH World title. Cody would back off the challenge, saying that Aries hasn’t shown anything to him. Rhodes would then try to offer Scurll as a replacement opponent so Aries can prove himself worthy of a title shot.

This would set Scurll over the edge and he would explode at Cody. Scurll would lay out a challenge to Cody for the World Title right then. Cody would just walk away as the Young Bucks and Adam Page held Scurll back from jumping him. Aries would not interfere in this confrontation.

The next few weeks would see Aries wrestling a bunch of guys and amassing a pretty impressive record. He would beat Josh Woods, Shane Taylor, Jonathan Gresham, Matt Taven, and Chuck Taylor. Meanwhile, most of Scurll’s screen time would involve him arguing with the Young Bucks and Adam Page about challenging Cody for the World title. Cody, in turn, would continue to belittle Scurll, minimizing his talent, and being a condescending prick.

Eventually, Scurll would come to the ring by himself. He would announce that he has had enough. “The Villain” didn’t need the Bullet Club. Scurll would state that he would do as he wants whenever he wants. And what he wants is to take the Ring of Honor World Title from Cody Rhodes.

Cody would come out, stand on the ramp, and tell Scurll that he had a feeling this was coming. He figured that Scurll would eventually believe his own hype and aim a little too high. He’d say something like “My star is well beyond your reach,” and then Austin Aries would sneak attack Scurll from behind. Cody would continue to talk as Aries would hit Scurll with his own umbrella and lock him in the Last Chancery.

The next week, Cody would come to the ring with the Young Bucks, Adam Page. He would introduce Austin Aries as a man of class, a man of honor, a man of excellence. He would say that Aries is everything Scurll is not – a winner. Aries would come out, shake hands with everyone, and cut a promo on Scurll. He would say that when Cody offered Scurll a chance to wrestle Aries, it was an insult that Scurll wouldn’t jump at the chance to wrestle the best. But his fate was decided already at that point. If he had accepted the match with Aries, Aries would have beaten him badly, sure, but then it would be over. Aries would take his destined spot in the Bullet Club and Scurll could go slink away back to England.

Scurll would then come out holding a piece of paper above his head. He would start out by telling the Young Bucks and Adam Page to stay out of this situation. They know what he can do, and they do not want to be in the way when he comes for Aries. Then he addresses Aries and says, “And you, A Double, you don’t know what I can do, but you will learn. Very soon.” Finally, he would direct his promo to Cody. He would tell Cody that the paper he was holding in his hand was a contract for a shot at that World Title at the next PPV.

Cody would yell and scream, saying that he never signed a contract and besides, Scurll doesn’t deserve a title shot. Scurll would laugh and tell Cody that he is no where near as smart as he thinks he is, and he is definitely a moron when compared to “The Villain.” He would continue by telling Cody that he didn’t need to sign the contract. When Cody agreed to be part of the Bullet Club, he didn’t read the fine print. He might be champion, but the championship belongs to the Bullet Club. And as such, the leader of the Bullet Club can agree to title defenses that Cody has to make.

And when Scurll agreed to come on board and help the Bullet Club, he made sure he had a favor he could call in. A favor from the leader of the Bullet Club. At this point, the Young Bucks and Adam Page would start to back up and move away from Cody a little bit. Cody would start screaming that he is the leader of the Bullet Club so that contract can not possibly be valid.

Suddenly, Kenny Omega would appear on the big screen behind Scurll. Omega would correct and admonish Cody, stating that the Bullet Club is led by Kenny Omega and no one else. He will then explain that Cody has to take the match with Scurll or the belt will wind up being stripped. He also welcomes Aries to the group, but warns everyone to stay away from the title match. Omega will end by telling Cody that he better win, and if he doesn’t, he doesn’t have to return to the Bullet Club.

Cody looks stunned as Scurll laughs. The rest of the Bullet Club will surround Cody and try to pump him up, reassuring him that he can do this, etc.

The match will come at a PPV where Omega is also defending the NJPW United States title. Marty Scurll defeat Cody clean and become the new Ring of Honor World Champion. Cody will effectively be ejected from the Bullet Club and go over to Japan for a while to feud with Omega. Meanwhile, Scurll will be a fighting champion, just like he was with the ROH TV title.

Inevitably, his first big challenge will come from Austin Aries, continuing off the sneak attack previously. The two will have a bunch of insanely good matches, regularly outshining the main event of WWE shows. They may even swap the belt back and forth a couple times. But in the end, Marty Scurll will come away on top, as Aries will put over the next great worldwide superstar.

Everyone have a good week. Fall back this weekend. Laterz…

Thought Zero – Another hour of Ring of Honor wrestling begins now.

1. We start everything off with a look back from a few weeks ago when War Machine decided to stop playing nice and begin their campaign of world domination. It turns out the ROH tag team titles will be on the line tonight when the Motor City Machineguns defend against War Machine. Interesting main event. This main event is brought to you by Mark Briscoe’s dislocated elbow. (Briscoe was supposed to take on Kenny King for the World TV title today.)
2. Our first match is a triple threat tag team match between Coast to Coast, The Kingdom, and The Dawgs. We start off with a bunch of flips and dives and stuff. Not surprising with Coast to Coast in there. They are really pushing Coast to Coast as actual challengers. I still don’t buy them though. The Dawgs are basically a comedy team, constantly arguing and using each other as weapons against their opponents.
3. The Kingdom won with a crazy move where Marseglia picked up one of the members of C2C on his shoulders and then TK O’Ryan picked up Marseglia on his shoulders and they hit a double rolling Death Valley Driver. Pretty fun. The Kingdom challenges for the tag titles and the 6-man tag titles.
4. Back from break and we get Flip Gordon cutting a promo about how he is tired of the Young Bucks and the Bullet Club picking on him. He is going to go find a few guys to stand with him and fight the Bullet Club. Um, wasn’t that the whole purpose of Search and Destroy?
5. Cody Rhodes comes out and gives someone named Ryan Nova a title shot. I don’t see this jobber doing very well. When he goes to kiss Cody’s ring before the match, Nova does eat it, pulling it into his mouth and mocking Cody with it. That is not taken to very well and Cody crushes Mr. Nova with a Crossroads and then the American Deathlock. Moving on.
6. Dalton Castle comes out and stares at Cody just so the crowd remembers what he looks like. He hasn’t wrestled on Ring of Honor TV in quite a while. He also has a newly bedazzled microphone to cut a promo. Castle says that he finds Cody to be a “good…no…great…no…good wrestler.” That was a heck of a funny line.
7. Cody declines Castle a title shot and says he can make a call to “Paul” and get him one of those developmental contracts that all his friends took. Dalton then attacks Cody and hits him with a Bangarang. Castle then says he thought about it and that he loves it here and will take his title.
8. Jay Lethal cuts a little promo talking about how he is going to be the Ring of Honor World Champion once again. Short and simple. To the point. That works. Then we get to see Mark Briscoe badly dislocating his elbow but still cutting a promo that he wants his shot next week. Jay Briscoe comes out and basically tells Mark that he has tried to win the TV title so often and hasn’t done it. And given his arm, he’s got no shot. He should be concentrating on winning the tag team titles with him instead. Again, I do not really need a Briscoe versus Briscoe feud.
9. Main event time – War Machine takes on the Motor City Machineguns. I know the MCMGs are awesome, but WarMachine just looks like they are going to eat them for lunch. In fact, War Machine starts off the match by crushing Shelley and hitting Fallout on Sabin within 20 seconds. The belts are only saved by Shelley diving desperately off the top. The match turns into a a typical strong team versus fast team match. The good thing is that both of these teams are super athletic which makes the match that much more interesting.
10. The end came when War Machine was finishing off the MCMGs and about to get the victory when The Addiction came in and started spraying silly string at Hansen and Rowe. Even when Daniels tried to throw a punch at Ray Rowe, the ref didn’t stop the match. War Machine tossed The Addiction from the ring, but Sabin stole a cheap surprise roll up victory to keep the belts. That was a cheap finish to a pretty darn good match. Grrr, ROH, grrr.

And that’s all for today. See you next week!

Good day. Today’s Fantasy Book has been pre-empted this week. I watched the Ric Flair 30 for 30 documentary on ESPN last night and decided I would like to offer a quick ~10 thoughts on the program. Please watch it if you haven’t already. It is pretty good.

1. Ric Flair is the living embodiment of “living his gimmick” and really should be well dead by now. No one should be able to handle that much alcohol abuse, travel, and physical wear and tear for so long. He’s a freaking magic man.
2. I realize this documentary was not meant to cater to wrestling fans necessarily, but I would have liked a little more detail about certain things. But that would entail a multi-disc DVD release, so no biggie really.
3. I mean, we all know it, but it was pretty darn satisfying to hear Hulk Hogan say that Flair is 10 times better than him in the ring. That may be underestimating it a bit, but 12 year old me who used to argue with so many people over this very topic finally feels vindicated.
4. I am a little surprised Vince McMahon didn’t do an interview for this. He obviously didn’t object to it being done as they used the WWE video library and had many former and current employees interviewed. I would have liked to hear Vince’s thoughts about the recruitment of Flair to the WWE and his eventual entrance to the company.
5. I know Shawn Michaels has found God and is happy now and stuff, but he comes across as a bit of a self-righteous jerk sometimes, doesn’t he?
6. Yes, I admit it, the retirement portion of the program still makes me tear up a little.
7. The stuff about Reid’s death was particularly hard to watch. You can still see the pain in Ric and Ashley’s faces so clearly. And that quote from Ric when asked if he could say something to Reid now, “God, I wish you were here. I had so much fun with you. And I regret the fact that I sometimes was your best friend instead of your dad.” Damn, that hits so fucking hard. As a father, I can not imagine the pain he lives with over that.
8. And no offense to Reid, but where was the mention of David’s time in wrestling? He and Crowbar and Daffney were awesome in WCW.
9. I like Triple H much more when he is the patient, reserved, level-headed regular business guy. That persona is much more enjoyable and likable than any of his in-ring personas. I would have believed that guy as a face in the ring.
10. The Undertaker interview portions were not that crazy or anything, but it is nice to see him step out of character to do something for someone he obviously respects.
11. Watching the old NWA footage really made me miss those shows. Maybe that is why I like Ring of Honor so much more than WWE now. It reminds me more of the old NWA programs.
12. Man, I never knew Verne Gagne was such a hard-ass. Those stair drills sounded brutal and then his assaulting of Flair after he quit was pretty surprising.
13. We only got a brief mention by the director about the medical issues Flair suffered recently. The documentary was in post-production, so that was the best they could do. I really wish they could have done a follow-up interview with Ric now. I am wondering how this brush with death has changed his thinking.
14. I don’t think I knew Ashley started wrestling as a way to fulfill Reid’s dreams. That is almost too much. And it makes me feel 100 times worse knowing they used Reid’s death in her heel turn on Ric.
15. I really liked the section about how he practiced punching a string hanging off a doorway for three years until he could punch it without it moving. I’d never heard that before and was pretty cool.
16. 10,000? Really, Ric?
17. The documentary was much, much sadder than I thought it would be. I mean, I wasn’t expecting a laugh-a-minute, but I wasn’t expecting the last half-hour to bum me out as much as it did.
18. Still worth watching though.
19. Flair’s final quote about how he wants to be thought of when he is gone was telling, “It’s easy to say you want to be thought of as the best father that ever lived, but I wasn’t. And I certainly wasn’t the best husband. So I guess I’ll just have to settle for wanting to be thought of as the greatest wrestler and the most entertaining wrestler that ever lived.”

Thanks, all. I will be back next week with a regular Fantasy Book. Have a week!

Thought Zero – Just a quick note here, this 10 Thoughts column and my Fantasy Book column will be absent next week due to activities requiring me to be AFK for a bit. Both should be back the following week. Now, on to Ring of Honor.

1. Ring of Honor is starting a World Television Contender series due to Mark Briscoe’s dislocated elbow. Apparently if you win one of the three single matches, you move into a four corner survival elimination match  with Kenny King for the TV title at Final Battle.
2. The first match of the night and the first match of this series is Punishment Martinez versus Josh Woods. Woods seems to be growing out his hair and his beard to give himself a more unique look, but it isn’t working yet. Personally, I think changing his ring gear could help more.
3. The crowd is still dead for Josh Woods. He gets no reaction no matter what he does. On the other side, Martinez, despite being the heel here, gets all kinds of reactions from the crowd, mostly positive. I think that is just because he’s awesome. In addition, Martinez has added a facial expression after one of his big athletic moves which basically says, “Did you see that? Do you really want to boo that?”
4. They tried to give Woods a lot of offense here, but nothing seemed to connect with the crowd. Martinez wins with the South of Heaven chokeslam and moves on to Final Battle.
5. Back from break and here is Jay Lethal in a plaid shirt to talk. I wish he were here to wrestle, but maybe he will be announcing he is leaving ROH and going to conquer WWE. Nope. He announces that he is coming full bore to get the ROH World Title. But Lethal is interrupted by The Villain, Marty Scurll. Okay, I am trying not to get too excited yet, but a feud between Scurll and Lethal?!?!
6. Scurll says he came out not to fight because he actually likes Jay Lethal. He says that he came to Ring of Honor to face the best in the world, and that Jay Lethal is definitely one of the best. But not this Jay Lethal. He wanted to face the Jay Lethal that was ruthless and villainous. Lethal with a good line as he tells Scurll he did those villainous things because he wanted to and Scurll does them because he has to. He gets an “ooooo” out of the crowd with that one. Scurll continues to prod Lethal pointing out that he was almost unbeatable back then but not now. Scurll then shows off his own mic awesomeness by telling Lethal that if he doesn’t want to be that guy any more, he might as well “put that clown costume with the tassels back on because at least that shtick was entertaining. Dig it?!” Scurll then says Ring of Honor has allowed him to hand pick his opponent at Final Battle and he chooses Lethal. Lethal accepts and we have our first official match for Final Battle. And wow.
7. Seriously, they just announced Marty Scurll versus Jay Lethal for Final Battle. I’m not dreaming, am I? This automatically makes Final Battle a must-see PPV.
8. Now we are supposedly going to get Kenny King defending his ROH TV title against Mark Briscoe, against doctor’s orders. Jay Briscoe is out there with him as his manager and he has a towel hanging around his neck. It isn’t hard to see where this is headed. Colt Cabana mentions that this is idiotic due to Mark’s severely injured elbow. And after the match begins but before they lock up, Jay Briscoe throws in the towel. And Kenny King gets the victory. Mark is furious, but can’t do anything about it. Then Punishment Martinez comes out through the crowd to attack Kenny King. Then, from the back, Shane Taylor comes out. Then Jonathan Gresham comes out. Then Silas Young comes out. Then Cheeseburger comes out! It is a huge brawl in and around the ring. Finally King hits a huge plancha on the pile of wrestlers outside to send us to commercial.
9. Main event is The Addiction versus Best Friends (Trent Beretta and Chuck Taylor). Before that though, we get a Coleman’s Pulpit with Shane Taylor. Coleman asks him point blank if he is a hit man. Taylor basically admits it. Coleman says with this being Ring of Honor, is that really honorable? Taylor says that doesn’t bother him, and what makes him tick is to make life better for his family, so he is basically for hire and willing to do anything to anyone if it helps him get his daughter out of the bad environment she is in now. Interesting that they are even trying to make a hitman seem honorable. This company is interesting to say the least.
10. Chuck Taylor is way too goofy. And that makes Trent Beretta unbearably goofy. I would love to end these thoughts with that, but these four men put on a solid tag team match, as expected. The Kingdom came out to watch the match and the MCMGs are on commentary. Where is War Machine? Things of note, Kazarian hit an awesome looking spring over the top rope to the floor hurricanrana. I have no idea why the crowd pops for the potential hug between Taylor and Beretta. These teams are very evenly matched and the momentum goes back and forth. This match featured the second Falcon Arrow of the day that only got a 2 count. It is time to make that move a finisher again. Because otherwise, it just looks weak. Oh hey, there’s War Machine stopping Christopher Daniels from using a chair. And the Best Friends win to move on and get a title match in the future.

Not a thought here, but a reminder: Jay Lethal versus Mary Scurll at Final Battle!

And then I tell the guy, “No, that isn’t MY llama!” Oh, hello there. This week we will be returning to building fantasy feuds, not just fantasy matches. We’ve skipped a week due to my thoughts on the Ric Flair 30 for 30 documentary, but we are back with a vengeance this week. Well, maybe not a vengeance per se, but we’re back.

For those who don’t know, I do a little 10 Thoughts column about the weekly Ring of Honor television program. You can find that column right here on Inside Pulse! Anyway, last week, there was an in-ring confrontation between Jay Lethal (currently my favorite wrestler in the world) and Marty Scurll (currently my second favorite wrestler in the world). It appears they are setting up a match for Final Battle which should create a singularity and destroy the universe with its awesomeness.

But I just discussed a Fantasy Feud for Marty Scurll recently in this column. Now it is Jay Lethal’s turn.

To begin, this entire scenario is dependent on everyone’s health being in good shape and no risk of permanent injury or death. So, Daniel Bryan’s contract is due to expire with the WWE fairly soon. Bryan had a significant neck injury, but has said that he wants to wrestle again. The WWE, thus far, have not allowed him to do so. Which I get, they are protecting their company. They are being cautious. They are being conservative. Which, as a huge company, they should be. If I were the WWE I wouldn’t let Daniel Bryan come back either.

But Bryan wants to wrestle again and has a number of doctors telling him that it is okay if he does. Well, if the WWE won’t let him, once he is free from his contract, I can imagine Bryan returning to his old stomping grounds of Ring of Honor to resume his in-ring career.

His arrival would be during a major PPV event. He would come out before Jay Lethal’s match (wherever it is on the card), and talk about how happy Bryan Danielson is to be back home in Ring of Honor. He will go on to say that right now he is just happy to be back among the best wrestling on the planet. Because that is where he belongs. In that ring, wrestling the best, and beating the best.

After his promo, Lethal would have his match and probably win it. Then he would be gone. As the night wore on, we would see a lot of warm backstage greetings between Danielson and ROH competitors. Everyone would be all smiles and homecoming.

But the next week Jay Lethal would come to the ring and interrupt Bryan’s in-ring promo. Lethal would say that Bryan might be one of the all-time best, but his best is far behind him. Ring of Honor is reigned over by Lethal, he would say, and if Bryan wants to compete, fine, but don’t insult everyone into thinking he is better than the guys in the back. Lethal restates that he is the man in ROH, and no one just comes in and says they are better.

Bryan backtracks a bit and tells Lethal that is not what he was saying. He knows Lethal’s reputation and he has watched his matches. He sees the talent. He knows he beat AJ Styles, Michael Elgin, Jay Briscoe, and on and on and on. But he isn’t going to tell Bryan Danielson what he can do.

Lethal will run down a list of his accomplishments and state very simply that Danielson might have been the best in WWE, but this is not WWE. Here, in ROH, is where people come to prove themselves. They test themselves against the best here, they don’t just run around chanting “Yes!” at the sky.

Bryan interrupts and says that he knows how it works. He was one of the guys that turned Ring of Honor into an international phenomenon. Lethal is the top dog right now, he is the best wrestler there, even if he doesn’t have the belt. And everyone knows it. Or, at least, they USED to know it. Bryan then tells Lethal that there is a new GOAT in town, and he needs to get used to it.

Lethal stares Danielson down and both men stand there for a minute. It appears they may come to blows, but don’t. Eventually, Danielson starts to pick up on the Yes! chants and starts to walk away. He turns his back on Lethal and Lethal just attacks with a brutal sucker punch. In a brutal display, Danielson is beaten down by Lethal without mercy. Lethal  screams during his attack, yelling about how he is the best. How he is not a broken down and gimmicky has-been.

After the beating, Lethal leaves and medical come out to help Danielson. It isn’t until a couple weeks later that we get word Lethal versus Danielson is being scheduled for the next huge event for ROH. Maybe it would even after to be part of a joint show with NJPW. But it would be a huge stage. Lethal and Danielson would continue to punch and counterpunch through promos, interviews, and even social media, but no physical contact. We find out the reason for the delay in contact is because Lethal and Danielson have signed a no-contact clause to their contract for the match. This allows us to get a number of face-to-face interactions between these two men, resulting an number of in-ring, confrontations, but without any violence.

Eventually, the match would come and it will be all kinds of awesome. Bryan would take the victory and Lethal would leave in disgust instead of mess with the post-match handshake. A week or two later would see Lethal attacking Bryan to goad him into a rematch. Lethal’s ruthlessness will establish him someone willing to do whatever it takes. Bryan will eventually grant a rematch which will also take place at a major event. This one will be won by Lethal.

The rubber match between the two will be at the appropriately title “Best in the World” PPV. This is Lethal’s fantasy feud here, so I would say that Lethal would take that match and establish himself as the greatest in Ring of Honor. Finally, finally, Lethal and Danielson would shake hands and their dream battles would be over for now.

Next week I will be off, but shall return the week after that for all your fantasy booking needs. Take care.

Thought Zero – I take a week off and what happens? The Briscoe brothers turn full heel and destroy Bully Ray and Tommy Dreamer. We all sort of knew Jay Briscoe was turning heel, but I thought they were going to keep Mark Briscoe as a face and have the two of them feud. Apparently not yet. So let’s move onto this week’s show…

1) Match number one is Silas Young versus Jonathan Gresham. This is part of the tournament to establish a number one contender for the ROH World TV title. Current champion, Kenny King, is on commentary. He doesn’t add a whole lot to the match though.

2) Silas and Gresham put on a pretty darn good match which was won by Young after interference from Beer City Bruiser and hitting Misery. The four-way for the TV title at Final Battle will be: Punishment Martinez versus Shane Taylor versus Silas Young versus Kenny King. That should be a fun and hard-hitting match. The Final Battle card is filling up nicely.

3) After the break, we get a recap of the Briscoes heel turn last week. And I must say, I am okay with the two of them as heels. I would much rather see them as a heel team than have a brother versus brother battle. Finally, even with a one-armed Mark Briscoe, they hit an incredible 3-D on Bully Ray.

4) War Machine come out for a match but get attacked by The Addiction. Meaningless little brawl here ends when Rowe tries to lawn dart Frankie Kazarian into Christopher Daniels. Daniels moves out of the way and Kazarian crashes into a young woman in the stands. She tumbles backward, holding her hand to her face and there appears to be blood. Everyone just sort of scampers away after that.

5) Caprice Coleman has Kenny King on The Pulpit (for the second time, I might add). Caprice starts the interview out nice and friendly and then dumps some reality on King, talking about how ROH is using him and how he isn’t a real king. He also says that Kenny King is using his daughter to appeal to the fans and that looks an awful lot like pimpin’. That is too much for King who threatens Coleman, rightfully accusing him of trying to manipulate him into a title shot, and then giving him a title shot. We get a lot of chess references and King tells Coleman “checkmate” on the way out.

6) That segment did exactly what it should have done – establish King as a babyface champion and showcase Coleman as a manipulator to get what he wants. Frankly, it makes Coleman look a lot smarter than everyone who was fighting to get into the four-way match for the TV title at Final Battle. And that is not a bad role for Coleman to be in at all.

7) Jay Lethal comes out to do commentary for the main event. He is announced as “The Franchise” by Ian Riccaboni. I know they’ve been searching for a new nickname for Lethal a little bit, including Silas Young’s use of “Golden Boy” for him. I didn’t like that one, and I really don’t like The Franchise. I understand it, but I am not sure you want to be associated with Shane Douglas, no matter how far out of the limelight he is.

8) The Main Event is Bullet Club (represented by the Young Bucks, Adam Page, and Marty Scurll) versus Flip Gordon, Scorpio Sky, and Coast2Coast. I do not think this will end well for the Gordon and company. Cody Rhodes also comes out, not dressed to wrestle. But he does take a moment to grab a microphone and call his Final Battle opponent Dalton Castle a choke artist.

9) Cody remained at ringside for a little while before getting thrown out. His offense? He climbed on the apron to do the Marty Scurll bird taunt. I think that ejection was a little premature there.

10) Very fast and high flying match with lots and lots and LOTS of flipping around. A couple cool moments in the match: Flip Gordon starts walking on his hands and showing off in the ring and Nick Jackson watches for a moment before hitting a low dropkick knocking him down hard. Adam Page hit a cool move, dropping one member of C2C hard from a fireman’s carry position then dropkicking the other members and using him to flip backwards onto the first guy. Flip Gordon dodged about 6 superkicks in a row with a matrix backwards bend. In a funny bit, Marty Scurll sets up a Bullet Club train of corner clotheslines onto Scorpio Sky. Matt Jackson, Nick Jackson, and Adam Page all hit clotheslines and then Scurll gets kicked in the face when he tries. This happens two more times and the crowd is just loving it. Flip Gordon then springboards from one top rope to an adjoining one and springboards from there to the outside. Everyone got to hit their highspots and finishers and such. This was all spotfest all the time but it was a fun spotfest full of energy and craziness. Good way to end the show.

Overall, another fun episode of Ring of Honor. And Final Battle is looking more like must-see every day. Until next week…

Thought Zero – Just a little bit of business to handle. If any of you also read my weekly Fantasy Book column, you may notice that it was missing this week. Well, I decided that The Fantasy Book was going to take the rest of 2017 off and will resume in January 2018. It just needed a little rest. The Ring of Honor 10 Thoughts will still be here each week though, don’t you worry.

1) We start off with the Beer City Bruiser versus Marty Scurll. YES! Of course, it seems they are just going to book Scurll as a huge fan favorite since he gets the reactions anyway. Oh, hey, I forgot that he is the IWGP Jr. Heavyweight champion. So Scurll has had the ROH TV title and the IWGP Jr. Heavyweight title this year. That is a pretty good year, I must say.

2) Ian Riccaboni just said that Marty is one of the biggest fan favorites in ROH today. That just solidifies my point that he doesn’t need the Bullet Club. And here is reason #138 to love The Villain. When the action tumbles outside the ring, Scurll breaks the count old school by rolling in and then back out of the ring. Attention to detail. I love it. In fact, it is such a good thing, Bruiser does the same thing a little while later.

3) Last week, Jay Lethal came out to do commentary (and scout) during the Bullet Club match. Today, Lethal is out at the top of the ramp, observing his opponent for Final Battle (Scurll). Is it possible they are going to try to do a double turn at the PPV? With Scurll trying to convince Lethal to regain his villainous side, and getting huge fan reactions, maybe. Whatever they are trying to do with the storyline, I am just happy to get that match.

4) Scurll looks awesome here, and plays into the crowd’s emotion excellently. Lethal flashes a grin when Scurll gets caught trying to use the ropes as leverage for a pin. The finish was very interesting as well. First, Bruiser shrugs off an attempt at the crossface chicken wing. Second, Bruiser accidentally splashes the referee in the corner. Third, the crowd starts chanting “You deserve it!” at the ref in a funny bit. Fourth, with the referee out, Scurll grabs his umbrella. Fifth, Lethal starts coming down to the ring, but stops half way while Scurll smacks Bruiser hard upside the head with that umbrella (seriously, it was a sick looking shot). Finally, Scurll gets the pin while Lethal backs up and gives what some might call an approving nod. Yeah, I would say that Scurll-Lethal match at Final Battle is THE reason to get the show.

5) We have an extended sit-down with Dalton Castle to recap his rise in Ring of Honor and his feud with Cody Rhodes. I am not sure this did anything to up the emotional ante for me to see the match, but it does give a good summary and timeline of events for this feud which have been missing. When we come back to action, we get a shot of Ian Riccaboni and Colt Cabana with the cotton candy vendor photobombing for some screen time. Is that important? Who knows… I guess if the cotton candy vendor jumps the rail and interferes in a match it will be.

6) Now we get another pre-taped segment with the Briscoes. I am still not really sure WHY the Briscoes turned on Bully Ray, but this segment was awesome. The brothers charge into Bully Ray’s wrestling school where a could trainees are practicing. Mark is recording it all with his phone. The trainees tell them Bully is not there and Mark and Jay shake their hands and introduce themselves to them. (Honestly, it was a nice touch.) Jay then lays them out and the brothers go storming through the building smashing pictures of Bully with great tag teams like the Hardys, the Rock ‘n’ Roll Express, and the Midnight Express (and one with Terry Funk just because). Maybe the attitude change is because Bully Ray didn’t give the Briscoes enough respect as one of the greatest tag teams of all time? That could work. The segment ends with the Briscoes giving one of the trainees a solid 3D and we see that Mark doesn’t have that huge wrapping on his elbow any more, so hopefully he is recovering well. The Briscoes as bad asses are money.

7) We come back from commercial break with Coleman’s Pulpit. Today, Coleman interviews himself in a fun little split screen bit. They talk about Caprice Coleman’s upcoming ROH TV title match against Kenny King. The twitter comments on the scroll at the bottom of the screen are hilarious. I think Coleman and King could have a nice little match next week. Looking forward to it.

8) Now we get to see a tag team title match between the champion Motor City Machineguns and the challengers, TK O’Ryan and Vinny Marseglia of The Kingdom. The Kingdom jumps MCMG before the bell to gain the immediate advantage, but Shelley and Sabin speed up the pace and take over. The Kingdom roughs up the smaller champions a bit outside the ring, and momentum continues to trade back and forth. One innovative move sees Shelley put O’Ryan on Marseglia’s shoulders while Vinny is on his knees and then hits a double flatliner while Sabin dives off the top onto them.

9) More fun double team work from MCMG, including a double figure four leg lock and an innovative sequence of leg kicks culminating in a dragon screw leg whip. We go to commercial with The Kingdom using some trickery to take control and then holding the tag belts up high. But you can’t keep MCMGs down as they come back. Somehow Sabin kicks out after a Stone Cold Stunner by O’Ryan and a Swanton Bomb by Marseglia. O’Ryan also picked up Marseglia who had picked up Sabin and we got a combo DVD that was only broken up when Shelley charged in and bowled over onto the pin. The Kingdom fake using Marseglia’s ax, but did try to use O’Ryan’s baseball bat. Some heel comunication resulted in Marseglia getting hit with the bat and the MCMG taking the win.

10) The main event is Adam Page versus Flip Gordon. Really? I think Page is pretty close to main event level, if he isn’t there already, but Gordon? Already? The dude’s been wrestling for about a week and a half. They are really, really banking on Gordon as being the next breakout star. And to that end, Gordon gets the victory here. I really think they need to turn Adam Page face. He plays a pretty good heel, but his moveset gets nothing but positive reactions. Add to that the multiple flips he has been doing, and he is at the top of his game. The end comes when they ramp up the counters at the end until Gordon hits a springboard, twisting, flipping, spinning stunner.  Post-match, The Young Bucks hit the ring and attack Gordon. Then Cody talks a little backstage about Flip being as delusional as Dalton Castle. And we’re out.

Another very good episode of Ring of Honor and solid build towards Final Battle! Until next week…

Thought Zero – Final Battle is this upcoming Friday. It is a stacked card, and on paper could be the best PPV of the year (based solely on how Jay Lethal versus Marty Scurll turns out). Let’s see how ROH handles the go-home show.

1) We start with the TV title on the line. Kenny King gave Caprice Coleman a title shot last week just because he said some things to him he didn’t like. Coleman comes out with Shane Taylor to be his backup or something. Taylor is scheduled to be part of the four-way match for the TV title at Final Battle, so that adds a little intrigue.

2) King looks darn good in the ring, as usual.And he should since he is the champion. His weird spastic dancing though needs to be calmed down a little bit. But Coleman looked surprisingly great too. Don’t get me wrong, I always have found Coleman to be a good wrestler with some awesome and over-the-top facial expressions (seriously, they are Vince McMahon level), he was very impressive here.

3) Excellent back and forth match as to be expected, including some awesome moves. Just a few: When fighting outside the ring, Coleman slides in to break the count, then skins the BOTTOM rope and hits King with a hurricarana. Later, Coleman set King up on the top rope and climbs to hit a top rope Frankensteiner, but when Coleman leaps up, King slides out and Coleman crashes spectacularly on the top turnbuckle, split-legged, and bounces down hard. The crowd let out a huge reaction to that one. King hit a T-Bone suplex into a bridged pin attempt which looked great. Coleman then hit three consecutive rolling Northern Lights suplexes and ended in a bridged pin attempt. Then Caprice hit a huge top rope diving leg lariat which landed perfectly. King then took out Shane Taylor with a twisting tope and finished Coleman with his Royal Flush slam thing. Honestly, any one of the moves I mentioned here could have been the finish to the match and the crowd would have been happy. Well done, guys.

4) After the match, Punishment Martinez jumps the rail to attack. Then Taylor comes in and the two men both punch King. Finally Silas Young comes in to tell Taylor and Martinez to not fight each other but to go after King. All three men do just that for a few seconds until Martinez shoves Young out of the way and then everyone starts going at it. We cut to commercial as everyone is still fighting. A bit of a cliche build to a four-way match, but still well done.

5) The Addiction comes out to talk about their match at Final Battle with War Machine. They reference the fan who was “injured” during their brawl a few weeks ago and demand ROH fire both members of War Machine immediately. Hansen comes out and attacks The Addiction by himself (as Rowe was suspended for 30 days). The Addiction get the upper hand and wind up taping Hansen to the ropes. Then Daniels cuts off part of Hansen’s beard. He then threatens to cut off his ear, but security hits the ring, Colby Corino cuts Hansen loose, and The Addiction head for higher ground. I have a feeling the Final Battle match is going to be brutal.

6) We get a brief promo from the Young Bucks and Adam Page about their six-man tag team title match at Final Battle. Apparently they are taking on Flip Gordon, Dragon Lee, and Titan. With the push Gordon’s been getting maybe they give him the meaningless six-man titles here. Or maybe not. Either way, expect a high flying spotfest of fun. Plus, Dragon Lee gets another chance to show everyone how great he is.

7) Back from break and the Briscoes come out. We’re still not sure why Mark turned, but heel Briscoes are better anyway. Jay Briscoe calls Bully Ray and Tommy Dreamer cowards and apparently this is what we’ve been building to. Bully and Dreamer come out but security blocks their path. Joe Koff comes out and tells Dreamer and Bully Ray to back off. So Jay calls Koff a short old man. Oooo. So Joe Koff comes into the ring, gets in the Briscoes face, cuts a poor promo, and makes the match at Final Battle between the Briscoes and Dreamer and Bully Ray. Um, they’ve been saying how Bully can’t wrestle anymore due to his concussions. I don’t think this is a smart decision here. After Koff announces the match, Bully Ray and Tommy Dreamer charge the ring and a melee ensues with security flying everywhere and all four men using copious amounts of energy to try to get at each other. And that is how you do a crazy brawl to set up a PPV match. But I still am not sure I want to see the match, unless the Briscoes just roll over the ECW legends.

8) We’re back with Jay Lethal taking on Matt Taven and Marty Scurll on commentary. Taven takes on Will Ospreay at Final Battle we are told, which could be a very good match too. Scurll immediately talks about wanting Jay Lethal because he is one of, if not the, best wrestler in Ring of Honor history. That’s how you build a match, not by talking down your opponent like John Cena does, but by building him up like Scurll is doing (and like Heyman does for Lesnar’s opponent all the time). Simply, Scurll on commentary is just awesome tonight. Lethal has a more aggressive streak tonight and has complete control until some outside distraction from The Kingdom allows Taven to take control. Back from break and Taven and Lethal trade right hands. After a sloppy miss, Lethal hits the Lethal Combination which still looks as amazing as ever.

9) More goodness as Scurll loses it on commentary, screaming at Ian Riccaboni to shut up in a hilarious moment. Cabana points out that Scurll is drawing attention to the announce booth, and Scurll basically says, “Duh. That’s what I do.” Scurll then comes to the ring and slides his umbrella in to Lethal and tells him to use it on Taven. Lethal debates whether he should use it, decides against it, and Taven rolls him up for a three count. You know what, I am still not 100% sure where this storyline is going, but that is okay because I like the work both men are doing and it has been a while since I was unsure of how something would play out in this pro wrestling world.

10) Main event contract signing? What is this, WWE Raw? Cody is already in the ring with a fur coat, some champagne, and his wife. Dalton Castle comes out without the Boys but with a cool new jacket. We see Cody and Brandi rocking out with air guitar to Castle’s theme song which is pretty fun. Cody is acting all arrogant and like he is not concerned with Castle. In fact, Cody and Brandi seem to be doing a little Miz/Maryse thing. The camera cuts to Castle and he is cracking up, trying desperately to not break character. Castle then calls Cody “Overdressed, overpaid, and overrated.” That pisses Cody off and gets the crowd to chant “Overrated.” Both men sign the contract and then stare each other down. And we’re out.

Oh, just buy Final Battle on Friday and enjoy some awesomeness. Until next week…

Thought Zero – Final Battle was this past Friday, and there were a few notable items coming out of it. I’ll get to those towards the end of the column. But first, let’s see what ROH has for our television viewing today.

1) Our first match is The Addiction versus Coast 2 Coast. We see the Tale of the Tape and I am surprised at the height of C2C. They are’t huge, they are 6’0″ and 6’2″, but they just seemed much smaller, you know?

2) Colt Cabana talks about how The Addiction seem to be out of sorts lately to try to convince us that Coast 2 Coast has a chance. Yeah, I’m not really buying that. The Addiction has started spitting at their opponents more though, if anyone cares.

3) The Addiction get the duke even after the “hot” tag to LSG. C2C missed the Coast to Coast dropkicks and then The Addiction win with a BME/tombstone piledriver combo. Post-match, LSG grabs a mic and talks to Ali about how much they suck. So Ali says they have to win their next match or else they should break up the team. And the crowd went mild.

4) Back from break and we get Eli Isom versus Shane Taylor. Cabana points out that Eli Isom is an “already-in-the-ring-guy” which doesn’t bode well for him. Ian Riccaboni tries to salvage Isom’s reputation by talking about how he has been a fixture on the Future of Honor webcasts. I think I am going with Cabana’s assessment here. And, as expected, Isom gets two chops and then Taylor just annihilates him. We even get a ref stoppage after the KO punch instead of a pin attempt. I still miss Keith Lee though.

5) The main event is coming up. The Young Bucks do a cute little promo to introduce their partner for the six man tag match against Best Friends and Rocky Romero. They say they brought their best friend and Marty Scrull comes out. But the Jacksons apologize for the awkwardness, but it isn’t Marty this time. Then they introduce Kenny Omega who was hiding behind them the whole time. That actually makes it more awkward.

6) Caprice Coleman has another Coleman’s Pulpit and his guest is Brandi Rhodes. They hype up her WAGS show for a bit. Then Coleman shifts over to her wrestling with Women of Honor. He brings up her record of 0-2. She defends herself by saying she is figuring it all out. Coleman agrees that it takes a while. So she asks him how long it took him to win his first match. And Coleman admits that he probably didn’t win his whole first year. Funny little exchange there. We also hear a little about Brandi’s figure skating days. You know what, that was pretty good segment and Brandi Rhodes not only held her own but came across as a smart and engaging personality in her own right. Good on her. I’m still not going to watch WAGS, but that’s okay.

7) Best Friends Vice come out and we still get the wacky interaction between Chuck Taylor and Rocky Romero over Trent Beretta’s affection. Then The Elite comes out and thankfully Omega has dumped his silly schtick with the broom and garbage can. And as much as I like how almost all of these guys work, I have a bad feeling this is going to have way too much comedy for my taste. Especially since I know how well they can work.

8) One positive is that everyone in the ring sells very well even if it is uneven and usually only to make themselves look like world-beaters. Therefore the visuals of everyone’s big moves are pretty cool. The Elite get the win after everyone just destroys everyone else with huge finishers.

9) Okay, here are a few extra thoughts on Final Battle 2017. Matt Taven defeated Will Ospreay as the push to make Taven seem like a credible world title contender. I’m okay with that. I don’t love Taven in that role, and I think they are wasting Ospreay here, but at least it brings someone new into the main event equation. And Taven is not bad by any means.

10) War Machine defeated The Addiction as everyone expected.

11) Marty Scurll and Jay Lethal put on a great match, as I fully expected. The storyline was pretty fun too with Scurll trying to have Lethal become more villainous again. Cool spot towards the end where Scurll brought a chair in the ring and tossed it to Lethal and then pretended to be hit. But Lethal decided to out-Eddie Guerrero Scurll and wrapped the chair around his head and pretended to be the one hit. The finish came when Lethal hit a low blow and followed with a Lethal Injection. I am not sure where they go from here, but the match was definitely worth it.

12) The Motor City Machine Guns defended their tag team titles over the Best Friends. Not too surprising.

13) Silas Young took home the ROH TV title in the four-way match with Kenny King, Shane Taylor, and Punishment Martinez. Probably the right choice. Young’s had a pretty darn good year and it is nice to see that rewarded.

14) The Briscoes defeated Bully Ray and Tommy Dreamer. That was the right decision, but it could have been a bigger destruction in my mind.

15) The Young Bucks and Adam Page retained their six-man titles over Flip Gordon, Dragon Lee, and Titan. Is that it for the Bullet Club versus Flip Gordon saga?

16) And surprisingly, Dalton Castle is your new ROH World Heavyweight champion. I thought Cody needed to drop the belt, but I am not sure about Castle as the face of the company. He is really good and definitely a star, but as THE guy, I am not sure. Let’s see if he can prove me wrong.

Until next week. Ta-ta.

Thought Zero – My apologies, everyone. I have missed the last two weeks of Ring of Honor television with lots of family commitments and holiday responsibilities. But it is a new year and we have a new ROH champion (actually a couple new ROH champions) so let’s see how the television episode works out.

1) We start off with your new Ring of Honor World Heavyweight Champion – Dalton Castle. To me, his title victory over Cody Rhodes at Final Battle smells like a perk for not signing with WWE. I like Castle, I really do, but I just don’t see that act as a world champion act. Or maybe it is just punishment for Cody’s new bleached blonde hairdo. The crowd chants “You deserve it,” as Castle enters the ring with the belt and a new personal and sparkly microphone.

2) Now the Boys get a chant of their own. That’s random. Nice line from Castle: “When I came to Ring of Honor, I was told I would never be a champion. But a lot has happened between Now and Never.” After Castle gets some time for himself, Jay Lethal interrupts and comes down. Castle is shocked that Lethal came out (according to Castle, Lethal has never even sent him a friend request on Facebook). Lethal then says that Castle is a strange dude but as champion he is the best wrestler in the world.

3) Funny bit after Lethal after congratulating Castle and challenging him. Castle says they should sit and down and discuss it, sitting on one of the boys as a chair and offering the other boy for Lethal to sit. Lethal plays along a little, even wiping down the boy’s back before sitting, but it doesn’t last long. Castle then uses the wasted boy as a footstool and lounges back. Castle agrees to put Lethal on the top of the contender list and Lethal leaves. Before we go to break though, Punishment Martinez comes in and hits Castle with a South of Heaven chokeslam. That whole this was much better than I expected.

4) Now we have the other new champion, Silas Young, the new Ring of Honor TV champion. Young won the four-way match at Final Battle to get the well deserved victory and title. Young has had a pretty terrific run over the past year or two and definitely deserves a run with this belt. His first title defense is against Simon Grimm (formerly Simon Gotch) and that is a pretty good pickup for ROH. He could probably fill the void that Bobby Fish left as a hard-hitting and tough SOB with a mustache.

5) We keep getting short little moments saying that something called Honorclub is coming soon. But that is all that is said. Is it a new stable, a new tag team, a new fan club, a new internet experience, what is it?

6) Silas Young defeats Simon Grimm after a pretty good match. Nice television debut for Grimm. After the match, Kenny King comes out with a beer bottle complaining how Young hit him with a beer bottle to eliminate him from the title match at Final Battle. Young tells him to do things the right way, and King says he already filed the paperwork for his rematch, but he’s had 8 beers already and wants to fight. Then he spits beer in Young’s face and security breaks them up. That’s not a very good example to set for the kids, Mr. King.

7) Honorclub update! Apparently it is going to be some sort of streaming service. Okay then.

8) The Briscoes just annihilate a couple of young jobbers. Froggy Bow finishes it in very short order. This was seriously reminiscent of old squash matches by the Road Warriors or Midnight Express in the old Superstation NWA days. After the match, the Briscoes declare they are coming for the ROH tag team championships. Kinda figured they would.

9) Main event time – Flip Gordon takes on “The Villain” Marty Scurll. In a little promo played over his awesome entrance, Scurll talks about how he has never gotten a shot at the ROH World title and he feels he deserves it. Can’t disagree with him there. Ian Riccaboni brings up the stupid flip counter idea again which just encourages Colt Cabana with his silly flip puns.

10) Gordon gets the crowd going with a bunch of athletic and acrobatic moves, but the crowd really likes Scurll as well. In fact, during the match, Scurll is the one that gets the majority of cheers. Scurll hit an awesome low superkick right onto Gordon’s face as Flip was doing his silly hand-walking thing. Absolutely wonderful counter there. Another fantastic match by Scurll and Gordon continues to show that his flashy flipping style is a great foil for a great wrestler. Also of note, Scurll is using Adam Cole’s old Last Shot brainbuster to the knee as a finisher. I’m okay with that, not every match can end with a tap out to the chicken wing.

Not a ton of matches today, but they were long and awesome. You know what, this would be a very good introduction for someone to Ring of Honor. And next week the main event is going to be Will Ospreay versus Jay Lethal. Looking forward to that. Until then…

Thought Zero – For those who may be wondering, I am still unsure if my other column, The Fantasy Book, will return or not. There will probably be another one relatively soon to discuss the possibility of keeping or discontinuing it. If anyone has any thoughts on it, let me know. But for now, we’re on to some Ring of Honor!

1. We start off with a big-time match between Will Ospreay and Jay Lethal. I am still not completely sold on Ospreay’s flippy-flippy high-flying style, but I don’t hate it as much as Vader does. We get some nice counters early on and then Lethal catches Ospreay’s arms as he tries to do a springboard off the ropes and then just yanks Ospreay right out of the ring and into the railing. Lethal then hits three straight dives, with the third knocking Ospreay into the front row.
2. Before the commercial break, Marty Scurll comes down the ramp, clapping for Lethal. He heads over to commentary table where he says he won at Final Battle even though he lost because he wanted the old Lethal to come out and he did. Scurll also says he is Lethal’s biggest fan and states that Lethal is the greatest wrestler in the world. It is hard to argue with The Villain on that.
3. Lethal hits a couple of the loudest chops I have ever heard on Ospreay’s chest while Scurll laughs and cheers from the commentary table. The match goes back and forth for a while with Ospreay hitting a couple huge dives. Lethal dodges the Os-cutter and then Ospreay counters the Lethal Injection. Ospreay then goes for a Lethal Injection and Lethal catches him in a backbreaker. The backbreaker is called the Lethal Express according to Scurll. Lethal then does a front roll with it which looks awesome.
4. The last couple minutes of the match was just amazing. Both Lethal and Ospreay countered everything they could throw at each other. Ospreay countered the Hail to the Chief which Lethal tried to counter with a figure four which Ospreay countered to a small package. The finish came with Lethal countering another Os-cutter attempt with a cutter of his own and then hit a wicked looking Lethal Injection for the victory. Excellent match to start the show.
5. Caprice Coleman has Jonathan Gresham on the Pulpit and makes a series of pretty funny short jokes. The very first one is one of the better ones I’ve seen too. Coleman prepped the Pulpit with his chair and a high chair for Gresham. Pretty funny stuff there. Eventually Gresham starts talking about setting up a special rules division or something to work to his strengths since he hasn’t won many matches. But really, this was all about the short jokes.
6. Next match is Kenny King versus Brian Milonas. King with early control and after a dive to the outside  goes to take a selfie with a fan, but the fan doesn’t have her phone set up properly, so the selfie doesn’t happen. That’s a shame. As the match goes on, Milonas uses the power of the fat to take over, including using the old fat-guy-stepping-on-the-guy move. Milonas misses a fat butt drop and King regains control. King wins with a springboard blockbuster.
7. Post-match, King calls out Silas Young, calling him a piece of crap in the process. Because Young is a real man, the Last Real Man in fact, comes right out and the two start brawling. Milonas then jumps King from behind and he, Beer City Bruiser, and Young all beat down the former champ. I guess the Kingpin is now the new 6-man tag partner of Young and Bruiser.
8. Back from commercial break and Christopher Daniels, Frankie Kazarian, and Scorpio Sky are in the ring. Apparently they are now known as SoCal Uncensored. Joe Koff comes out and threatens to fire everyone in the ring. Kazarian then threatens to kick Koff’s ass. But Daniels calms him down and threatens to go share industry secrets with Don Callis or AJ (Styles), so he better not fire him. Koff says okay, but he won’t renew their contracts after they run out at Final Battle 2018. That is about a year away, so we have quite a long time to build this story up to something interesting.
9. Main event time has The Kingdom (with the newly-heavily-pushed Matt Taven) taking on the newly-crowned World champion Dalton Castle and The Boys. TK O’Ryan’s horrible leg injury has really caused him to to fall behind in developing his unique character. Maybe he should change his hair color or something. Vinny Marseglia has really established himself as a horror dude and Taven has been refining himself in CMLL and other places. Also of note, if this is possible, but The Boys are possibly smaller than Cheeseburger. They have slightly better physiques, but look like they are shorter and smaller in stature.
10. The Boys do an awful lot of comedy and high flying kick offense before becoming the Boys-in-peril. We also learn that Taven is called himself the King now. Not sure Jerry Lawler would like that. Castle then cleans house to finish. First, Castle hits Taven with a Tombstone piledriver (after both men reversing it about 10 times). Second, Castle hits O’Ryan with a Bang-a-rang. Then, Marseglia gets caught in the Julie Newmar submission move. Marseglia reaches for his axe, yes, his axe, but taps out before he can reach it. The Boys do stereo dives just for the heck of it. And we’re out.

Frankly, the Lethal/Ospreay match should have been the main event, but that’s just picking nits. Another very fine episode of Ring of Honor. Until next week!

Thought Zero – Okay, I missed last week. Sorry about that. But let’s not dwell on the past. We have an hour of Ring of Honor wrestling to get to, so let’s do it!

1. We get a video recap of The Addiction (or SoCal Uncensored I guess they are now) paying off Shane Taylor to knock out Marty Scurll while they chop block the Young Bucks. Okay, I guess that is going to be a feud now or something.
2. First match in is Punishment Martinez versus an “already-in-the-ring” jobber simply named Dobbs. Is that a first name? A last name? A nickname? Or is it just something the ring announcer made up on the spot? I doubt this match will go long enough for me to find out.
3. And as expected, Martinez crushes Dobbs. Ian Riccaboni talks up the run that Martinez is on and Colt Cabana makes me laugh by interjecting “And Dobbs is here!” A few seconds later, Ian starts naming all the contenders for the world title and Cabana adds “And DOBBS!” Almost immediately after, Dobbs punches Martinez and then hits a dropkick and he is the crowd’s newest favorite wrestler of all time, even getting his own chant. But that’s it and Martinez then kills him dead.
4. Post-match, Dalton Castle comes down to the ring and suplexes Martinez who simply walks away.
5. Caprice Coleman is out at the announce booth for some reason to make it a three man crew. This match is Coast 2 Coast versus War Machine. Given that War Machine were seen at NXT Takeover Philadelphia on Saturday (the same day this match aired in my area), I think the result is a foregone conclusion. Coast 2 Coast has stated if they don’t win this match, they will split up. C2C must be loving Triple H right about now.
6. War Machine continues to look impressive though. They strength of Ray Rowe is just freaky. One example has him pick up Hansen with no problem, walking across the ring, and then flinging Hansen into his opponent in the corner. LSG then pops the crowd by picking up a running Hansen and delivering a back suplex. However, Hansen will not be outdone and pulls off a lucha-ish handspring elbow off the ropes to Ali just because he is a freak and can do shit like that.
7. By the way, Caprice Coleman is making some really good points about tag team wrestling right now. He is talking about how C2C wants to tag each other where some teams look to get separation from each other, basically splitting it into two singles matches. Right on, Caprice! I’ve been saying that for years.
8. LSG kicks out of a couple pin attempts that should have finished him and Rowe looks shocked. The crowd starts a lackluster LSG chant, but they are really here to say goodbye to War Machine. Ali starts giving all he’s got to Rowe but runs right into a pop up catch powerslam by War Machine. Now it is Ali’s turn to get the surprise kickout. C2C hits the Coast 2 Coast, both pile on top of Rowe, but he still kicks out. Hansen returns to crush them both. They hit Fallout on Ali and he KICKS OUT at 2.75. Both Rowe and Hansen are stunned. The crowd starts a “This is Awesome” chant as the crowd is finally getting into this team. Rowe hits a knee and then they go for Fallout again, but Ali rolls up Rowe while LSG hangs onto Hansen’s leg. And C2C gets the upset pinfall and stay a team. War Machine shakes and raises their hands after the match to try to give them a little more of that leaving the company rub. Let’s see if it works going forward.
9. Now, here is the newest WWE Hall of Fame inductee Bully Ray. Of course, Bubba Ray showed up at Raw 25 with Devon and beat up Heath Slater, a good week before this show aired. Bully says he’s done, puts over Philly, and even references Bubba Ray Dudley (and thus his pro wrestling career) was born in that very arena in 1995. He says he should leave his boots in that ring. He signs off, saying he is Bully Ray and it has been his honor. He gets a standing ovation and a “Thank you Bubba” chant from the crowd as Jay Lethal leads the locker room out to wish him well and say some good things about how Bully Ray helped everyone there and was a really good guy. In fact, Lethal calls Bully Ray a legend. Maybe that is going a little too far, but it is still a nice sentiment. Okay, maybe I’m a sap, but that was a pretty nice segment and Bully Ray looked pretty touched by it. Of course, it might have been a little more impactful if I hadn’t just seen Bubba Ray giving a 3-D through a table to a former tag team champion a week ago, but still, a pretty good little segment.
10. Back from commercial and we get a video package about the Women of Honor getting their own championship title. It is about time.They list some of the competitors for the title: Deanna Purrazzo, Kelly Klein, Karen Q, Jenny Rose, Mandy Leon, Sumie Sukai, Brandi Rhodes, “Bonesaw” Jessie Brooks, HZK, Hana Kamura, Kagestsu, and Mayu Iwatani (the last four coming from Stardom in Japan). The tournament begins in two weeks.

Bonus Thought:

11. The main event is SoCal Uncensored versus Bullet Club (Cody, Hangman Page, and Marty Scurll). I love The Villain and Christopher Daniels is awesome, Page is fun to watch, Kazarian is boring but acceptable, but Cody and Scorpio Sky annoy me, so I am just going to let you kwow that they had a fun little match with Scorpio Sky pinning Adam Page. Not the best finish, but it was okay.

I am going to try to get a new Fantasy Book out this week, so look for that. Also, be on the lookout for my Oscar prep column coming soon. Until next week…

Good day. It has been quite a while since a Fantasy Book has been seen around these parts. Let me explain. I started running low on steam with the Fantasy Book columns right around Thanksgiving. I began to become bored with wrestling in general and the thought of a weekly column became less of an enjoyment and more of a chore in my head. So I took a break for a few weeks over the holidays to try to recapture some ambition again.

I returned with the 10 Thoughts columns regarding Ring of Honor, but this column was still alluding me. Finally, I just had to admit to myself that it couldn’t go on as it was before. So, as of this column, The Fantasy Book will no longer be a weekly column on Inside Pulse, but will hopefully be able to live on as an occasional column to fill space when the bug bites me. (Of course, that will happen only if our fearless leader Widro says that is okay.) I’ll still continue with the ROH 10 Thoughts columns and I will try to sprinkle in some columns for the other areas of the site as well (I’m working on my annual summary of the Oscar Best Picture nominations now – look for it soon!) and I will throw a Fantasy Book in when something major happens in the wrestling world or when I get a flash of inspiration for a storyline that would be so much more fun if it weren’t just in my head.

But, since it has been a while, let me touch on just a few of the items that have happened in the wrestling world recently:

• Enzo Amore was fired. I do not care about Enzo and am fine with his firing. It is a little hypocritical that they still have never addressed the whole “Triple H drugging and marrying Stephanie in Vegas” storyline though.
• Austin Aries left WWE and showed up over on TNA. The big news here – TNA is still a thing apparently.
• Raw celebrated 25 years on the air by bringing back a lot of old stars to talk and do backstage skits and mostly to stand around. Seriously, the introduction of past divas and general managers just to have them stand there? What a waste of time.
• Any Raw 25th celebration without Mick Foley is just wrong.
• Jericho putting Elias and his scarves on the list was pretty funny though.
• And I know someone needed to do it, but did they really have to bury The Revival like that? Now, if they had the Revival or even the Balor Club just take out Generation X, THAT would have been a worthwhile time.
• There is a general manager on 205 Live now. Someone named Drake Maverick. Now, I know the WWE didn’t want to keep his TNA name (Rockstar Spud) because frankly it was stupid. But did they have to scrape the bottom of the antique soap opera name generator? The dude’s name is James Curtin. What’s wrong with that? It even sets up an easy to write gimmick/story with him and Goldust (who inserted himself into the Cruiserweight world recently in God-awful fashion). He and Goldust can start a new series of behind-the-scenes films and/or documentary interview segments called “The Curtin Call.” Get it? Curtain call? Curtin call? Because that’s his name. Ah, never mind.
• Poor Dustin Runnels. Apparently someone in WWE feels that it is necessary to have Goldust buddy around with one of their black wrestlers. It worked with Booker T and Goldust because we felt the genuine affection and connection those two guys had for one another. It was well booked, well acted, and was a sweet and rewarding little storyline. They decide to try to replicate it with R-Truth. It didn’t work, because, well, it was R-Truth and no one cares. Now they have Goldust buddying up with Cedric Alexander for some reason. It is starting to get really uncomfortable now. And Cedric Alexander doesn’t need it. Let the man fly on his own.
• Matt Hardy is now woken? Yeah, I still don’t care. It is still Matt doing his normal 90s offense, only worse and with more clubbering. Although the promo with him in the home theater with all the kiddos sleeping cracked me up, I have to admit.
• Did everyone see that backstage pic with Drake Maverick confronting his old nemesis King Maxel? How cute was that?
• The Bar has regained the Raw tag titles and we have to wonder what the purpose of them losing to Jordan and Rollins was? Are Jordan and Rollins going to feud now? I’d rather have Rollins and Finn Balor have a series of matches, even teasing an eventual Shield versus Club showdown. Maybe Jason Jordan could take on Triple H or something.
• The Miz is champion again and all is right with the world. Now, if they insert Reigns into the Elimination Chamber match and have him take the title off Lesnar at WrestleMania, I will be pissed. Miz has two clean pins on Reigns in back-to-back weeks now. In every rational way, Reigns should be way down the list of contenders now.
• Going back a couple weeks during the build to the Royal Rumble… why was there a grappling hook backstage? What possible purpose could it serve?
• Far be it for me to second guess a decision by creative, but in the Rumble match, is it possible that Dolph Ziggler was the biggest let-down for a final comeptitor ever? He easily could have been replaced by … I don’t know … ANYONE. Seriously, find a place for Ziggler or just cut ties and let him go loony on the stand up comic circuit.
• Ric Flair as Colonel Sanders? I would have preferred Hillbilly Jim, but okay.
• The first all-female Rumble match was surprisingly great. The right person won in Asuka. The stories told during the match were well done. Sasha Banks and Becky Lynch both looked like superstars for their performances. Nia Jax looked like the monster she is booked to be. Lita looked amazing in there and it was smart to have her in early so it wouldn’t conflict with Trish Stratus. Trish at #30 was a great surprise. The callback to the Trish versus Mickie James feud was excellent. Beth Phoenix getting in Nia Jax’s face was fun (although I do wish that spot would have been Awesome Kong). Kelly Kelly and Torrie Wilson had no reason to be in there though. It was good to see Molly Holly though. Why was Michelle McCool so dominant though? And where was Layla to assist her friend? Speaking of which, I missed Melina. And while I liked the Trish Stratus surprise at #30, I know others were looking for Ronda Rousey in that spot, I was holding out hope that we might have seen AJ Lee in that spot. That would have sent that Philly crowd into an insane tizzy. All in all though, that match completely outshined the men’s match and deserved to be in the main event slot.
• And then afterwards, we get Rowdy Ronda Rousey’s entrance and dramatic pointing at the WrestleMania sign. I know she was loving the moment, but her smiling all the way down the ramp did not make her seem like such a badass, you know? Her wearing Piper’s old leather jacket and using that font was a very nice touch though. But she pointed at the sign! What does that mean? Is she going to buy a ticket? Is she looking to wrestle Charlotte? Is she looking to wrestle Alexa Bliss? Is she looking to wrestle Stephanie? Notice how she only extended her hand to Asuka and Stephanie during that whole segment. Hmm… Basically, if they are going to make Rousey be the Brock Lesnar of the women’s division, she better start breaking arms and knocking people out soon.
• Speaking of which, Asuka smacking away Rousey’s hand during her attempted handshake made Asuka look 100 times more badass than Rousey did in that whole segment. Go Asuka! Add that to Asuka’s laughing at Ember Moon’s injured arm and Asuka is just doing next-level awesome shit.
• Oh, I forgot, Trish’s mocking of Sasha Banks during the rumble match was too perfect!
• I hope Samoa Joe is getting better quickly. His intensity is missed out there.
• So, they called up Hideo Itami and inserted him into the Cruiserweight division. One of the first things he does is shatter The Brian Kendrick’s face. Now, I know they don’t want to promote a real injury, but if they don’t take advantage of that freak accident and have Itami be a vicious monster in that division, I don’t know what they are doing over there.
• I really feel bad for Paige if her in-ring career is over. I’ve always liked her.
• I know I am probably speaking to the choir here, but every show needs to have a Paul Heyman promo.
• Wanna know how I know the writers don’t really know what to do with Kevin Owens right now? Not only are they recycling the best friends storyline Owens did with Jericho, but they are going to have him wrestle Sami Zayn AGAIN next week. Owens seems like such a different character from when he was the brash NXT champion coming out to take on the John Cenas of the world.
• Bobby Roode bores me. There, I said it.
• The Usos are still the obvious best tag team on Smackdown. And as their promo stated on Tuesday night, they are running out of competitors. Rowan and Harper may be looking awesome right now, but Rowan doesn’t have the athleticism to hang with the Usos. Can we just call up reDRagon from NXT already?
• Yes, I am over The New Day and their breakfast foods. Cereal. Pancakes. What’s next – waffles? Cyborg and Beast Boy already did that. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HOlXJ2EJxw
• Carmella better do something with that briefcase soon because it is becoming a boring gimmick in her hands.
• It is good to see Jonathan Coachman back on the broadcast team. Hopefully they allow him to be a more serious announcer/reporter/etc. He has mainstream credibility now, don’t piss it away by making him the butt of some John Cena or The Rock jokes. Now, can we find someone to take over for poor Corey Graves on Smackdown? That dude is working more gigs than Ryan Seacrest.
• Over in NXT, Andrade “Cien” Almas is the champion. Everyone thought it was a fluke due to Drew McIntyre’s injury, but Almas is showing why he is worthy. That match with Gargano at NXT Takeover was incredible.
• Kyle O’Reilly and Bobby Fish are light years ahead of any tag team on the WWE payroll. The WWE would be stupid to not take advantage of that.
• Adam Cole is looking good and trying to kill himself to get over in NXT (did you see some of the insanely sick bumps he took against Aleister Black?) so hopefully it will pay off.
• I am not a fan of EC3, but I am glad to see War Machine coming over to NXT. And I will wait to see what Ricochet will be allowed to do.
• The NXT woman’s division still looks strong, but I really hope Nikki Cross doesn’t get lost in the shuffle. I would love to see Rosemary sign with NXT and have those two either team up or have the craziest feud ever.
• Switching over to Ring of Honor, Cody is no longer champion. That is a good thing, but Dalton Castle is champion. I like Castle, but I am not sure of him being the top guy in your wrestling company. Especially not when you have Jay Lethal, Marty Scurll, Jay Briscoe, Christopher Daniels, and others on your roster. Castle is really really good, but he just strikes me as a second-tier champion, that’s all.
• Silas Young holds the ROH TV title right now and that is excellent. There should be many good to great matches coming out of that decision.
• The Motor City Machineguns are the tag team champions and that is okay with me. Personally, the fact that it isn’t the Young Bucks is a big plus to me. I am suffering Young Buck fatigue.
• Ring of Honor is going to crown their first ever Woman of Honor champion soon. Seriously, it is about damn time.
• In case you have forgotten, Jay Lethal and especially Marty Scurll are putting on some professional wrestling clinics these days. If I were Vince McMahon, I would throw mad money at those guys and bring them into the fold immediately. Let them debut at WrestleMania if you wish. Just get them in front of a larger audience asap.
• Hey, guess what? Things are going a little crazy over in New Japan Pro Wrestling. For example, the Tempura Boyz are now being managed by Rocky Romero and are called Roppongi 3K. Not only that, but they are the current IWGP Junior Heavyweight Tag Team champions. They really got better and better during their time in ROH and it is good to see them succeed.
• Also, Will Ospreay has apparently learned how to defeat Marty Scurll as he is the current IWGP Junior Heavyweight champion. That set up a ton of interesting and high flying challenges in the near future.
• Hiroshi Tanahashi is dealing with a bunch of injuries yet still had the IWGP Intercontinental Title for a while. They just took it off of him recently and gave it to bad-ass Minoru Suzuki. Personally, I am tired of Tanahashi’s schtick and think he needs a good long vacation which might build some goodwill for a return. He’s just played out.
• Personally, I would have liked to have seen Chris Jericho take out Tanahashi and do an injury angle thing. But Jericho has been busy with Kenny Omega and the IWGP US title. By the way, that belt is now around the waist of Jay White, now known as “Switchblade,” but still without a scrunchie. Maybe he will tie his hair back with the belt. Back to Omega and Jericho, they threw down and had a crazy match which everyone loved. Later Jericho attacked Naito for good measure, setting up another big payday down the line.
• Omega, meanwhile, has apparently been kicked out of The Bullet Club by Cody Rhodes. Or maybe not. Maybe there will be a fight between the two of them for the leadership of The Bullet Club. But Cody did get into Omega’s grill and beat him down and no one has said anything else on the matter.
• Look, Omega probably doesn’t need Bullet Club to be over. Plus, I’ve been well done with Bullet Club for a long time now. Omega has made a good case to have been the strong leader (in the history of Prince Devitt and AJ Styles), but it would be a considerable drop-off to Cody as the leader of the group. Just my two cents.
• Okada is still the big dog in NJPW, as he should be, because he is the best wrestler over there. I know I have stated it before, but this dude has Hulk Hogan levels of star power written all over him and Vince might want to consider trading Shane for him and adopting him if he won’t take a huge contract.
• Finally, why does it appear that every single wrestler in NJPW have to be affiliated with a group of some kind? Bullet Club, Chaos, Los Ingobernable de Japon, Suzuki-gun, and Taguchi Japan? It really is kind of ridiculous that EVERYONE has a group affiliation. At least that is how it looks from this side of the screen.

And with that, I shall end this run of Fantasy Books. I may be back in a few weeks with a roll up to WrestleMania, but no promises. Feel free to drop me a note though whenever and I will see you over at the ROH recaps.

Toodles.

Thought Zero – Damn, that flu bug that is going around caught up with me and my family the past couple weeks. Seriously messed me up. That is a nasty little thing folks. Do your best to stay healthy. Let’s get to the Honorable Ring of Wrestling.

1. We start with Dalton Castle talking in a pre-taped promo. Nothing much to see there. He puts his title on the line against Punishment Martinez later. But the opening song features some new clips with the current roster, so that’s good.
2. First match is a new tag team called the Beer City Crew (Beer City Bruiser and Kingpin Brian Milonas) taking on Coast 2 Coast. Last we saw C2C, they were able to knock off War Machine to send them off to NXT. Let’s see if they can keep up the momentum. C2C is giving up about 300 pounds to the Beer City Crew though.
3. Bruiser and Milonas have control through the power of the fat guy for most of the match. Bruiser is SO much more athletic than Milonas though. This tag team does very little for Bruiser. That’s why his teaming with Silas Young was so good because it allowed him to be more athletic and interesting rather than just being fat guy #1.
4. The match gets toassed as Kenny King interferes in the match because Silas Young was doing his job as the Beer City Crew’s manager by helping their opponents back into the ring. He can’t help it that C2C is uncoordinated and kept falling down every time he tried to assist. Anyway, this then becomes WWE booking and they add Young and King to the match to make it a six-man match. That isn’t really fair to either of these teams, but so be it. C2C just stand on the apron while Young hits Kenny King with a big knee and then Bruiser and Milonas hit a couple double splashes on King. Yet he kicks out and C2C starts their flippy comeback. And an illegal triple team on Silas Young results in King hitting the Royal Flush and giving them the victory.
5. Backstage, the Dawgs talk some smack about Coast 2 Coast. I guess that is going to be a little mid-card tag team feud now. That’s good for both of them.
6. We get some promo work from Mandy Leon in a Ring of Honor studio, and Madison Rayne from what looks to be her living room. These two will have a first round match in the tournament to crown the inaugural Women of Honor championship. Funny note, Mandy Leon points out that she came through the ROH Dojo and has been here since Women of Honor began as a branded thing. But Rayne counters by saying she was in Ring of Honor even before that, unfortunately making herself seem much older than I think she was meaning to. Deonna Purrazzo is guesting on commentary, but since she is in the tournament she probably shouldn’t be commentating on it. Maybe she should be scouting instead. But it does seem like she needs so work on the mic still.
7. Mandy Leon looks pretty good here in the ring with some interesting and innovative moves. The only thing that brings Leon down just a bit is that she seems moving just a tad slower than most of the competitors. Not necessarily due to her athletic skills, but because it looks like she is thinking a little too much about what to do next. Some good near falls towards the end of the match and Leon winds up winning with a move called the Astral Projection which is sort of a pump handle Back to the Future cradle slam.
8. We cut to backstage footage from last week with Cody charging into the dressing room wondering where the Young Bucks were when he was getting beat up by The Kingdom last week. Apparently they were running late. After Cody leaves, Marty Scurll comes in to show the Jackson Brothers a sign he got from a fan. Nick Jackson lets him know now is not the time and points out the fan didn’t even spell his name right. Ha.
9. Main event is Dalton Castle’s first title defense against Punishment Martinez. Marty Scurll is guest announcer for the match, pointing out that he is coming for the belt as well. Cool visual as Castle does his usual pomp and circumstance with confetti and streamers and the boys and all that while Punishment Martinez just stands there, still in the ring, looking pissed off. Little things like that are what makes Martinez’s character work so well. Almost like an angry Undertaker. Scurll points out that he has never had a World Title shot and wonders why Martinez gets a shot before him. Scurll also rightfully points out that Colt Cabana has even had several title shots which he has lost and didn’t deserve more than Scurll.
10. Castle has control early, but Martinez uses his badassery and strength to take over. He also almost breaks Castle in half with a Last Call powerbomb onto the ring apron. Overall, this was a pretty good TV main event which didn’t live up to the hype of a world title match. Martinez is still maybe a year away, and they really seem like they are building to Scurll taking the title off Castle sooner rather than later (which would be a good move). Castle uses some of his amateur background to hit some nice throws and suplexes, but Martinez is just too strong. Martinez hits a crazy dive over the corner onto Castle and the boys on the floor which was so impressive that Scurll switches nationalities and becomes Australian for a minute, letting out a “Crickey!” Finish comes after Martinez almost kills Castle with a wicked kick to the side of the head, but somehow is able to reverse a psychodriver into a pin. Post-match, Martinez just annihilates the Boys because he is rightfully pissed. And we’re out.

Another good hour of wrestling. So much more exciting than WWE programming, to be honest. Until next week…

Thought Zero – I know everyone talks about NXT being the best hour of wrestling on TV each week. Technically though, NXT is on the WWE Network and not regular television broadcasting. I know, I know. I am not a millennial and the definition of TV is changing and all that. But I still challenge you to watch ROH for a few weeks and tell me whether you still think NXT is better. Nothing against NXT, but ROH has been on quite a roll with their weekly episodes lately.

1. We start off with SoCal Uncensored and the Bullet Club give promos about the 6-man title match tonight. I am not sure it is worth noting, but Kazarian wasn’t in the promo for SCU. Probably more worth noting is that Adam Page is turning into Brian Pillman’s Loose Cannon character more and more, including giving an unhinged and angry promo. Good work from him.
2. The first match of the night should be the main event. Because it involves Jay Lethal. It is Jay Lethal versus Flip Gordon! During Lethal’s entrance, he mentions that Lethal is a true superstar and min eventer, which is why it is so weird that he is opening the show. Um, I JUST said that, Cabana! But the use of the word “superstar”… should we read anything into that?
3. We start off with some nice reversals and such. One cool one had Gordon try for an Oklahoma Roll and Lethal just collapse on him while Gordon was rolling through to get a two count. You see, that is just next level stuff, not just running through a moveset over and over again. Then Lethal goes for a cutter and Gordon does a handstand to counter that. The camera almost missed it, but they had a good angle for a replay. Tell me again why this isn’t the best wrestling on TV?
4. Back from commercial and Gordon is in control, but he tries a corner dropkick too many times. Less than a minute later, Lethal gets sick of Gordon’s schtick and just levels him with a vicious forearm. Maybe they are turning Lethal slowly back into a heel. If so, they are doing a good and subtle job. Lethal makes an attempt for a pin after a particularly angry corner whip, including a grumpy cover where he drives his elbows and knees and hip and shoulders and everything into Gordon. Cabana astutely points that out. Then Lethal than hits a couple mean knees into the back and tries again.
5. Gordon and Lethal take turns diving on each other outside the ring, a sequence ending with Gordon hitting a multi-twisting backflip to the floor to send the show into commercial. Back from commercial and the two men are just trading forearms in the middle of the ring. That leads to trading knife-edge chops instead. Lethal is looking more and more pissed. Gordon hits a springboard sling blade which was nice looking but somewhat contrived.
6. The crowd chants “This is awesome,” and while that chant is overused, it is on the money here. Finish comes when Gordon tries some springboard move and slips off the second rope to the ground. Lethal picks him up and hits an overhead dragon suplex which looked wicked and then a Lethal Injection for the victory.
7. Colt Cabana stops Lethal on the ramp back up the ramp to announce Jay Lethal versus Dalton Castle at the 16th Anniversary show in March. But Marty Scurll comes out to make his point that he still hasn’t had a title shot. Lethal points out that he deserves to be the number one contender because he’s beaten a whole host of people, including Scurll. Scurll then challenges Lethal to be his first title defense after he beats Dalton Castle for the belt. Okay then. that works for me. I guess the title reign of Dalton Castle is coming to a close.
8. We get some promo work from Brandi Rhodes and Karen Q. They show clips of Brandi Rhodes winning a qualifying match, which Karen Q points out was Brandi’s first win in ROH. Now they go up against each other in the Women of Honor title tournament. Um, how come Brandi is allowed to be called a Rhodes and Cody is not? In all seriousness though, if they don’t have Karen Q just crush Rhodes here, it will make this tournament seem very weak. Karen Q is so much better than Brandi it isn’t even funny. But she is super short though. Not sure I realized how short she actually was. And we get a commercial break. In this match? The match is basically a prolonged squash for Karen Q, but she misses a frog splash and Brandi hits some soft chops. She does hit a sling blade though, which was pretty nice. Brandi then fakes an ankle injury and the ref stops Karen Q from attacking. This allows the cheap rollup from Brandi and she moves on. And the Women of Honor have sold out.
9. Promo from Dalton Castle interrupted by Marty Scurll who is hedging his bets and putting in himself for #1 contender is Castle beats Lethal. Scurll reminds Castle he defeated him on his first day in ROH. Scurll is just on another level here and if this doesn’t end up with him holding the title, the booking is 1000% wrong.
10. Main event is for the 6-man titles between SoCal Uncensored and the Bullet Club. The match is exactly what you would expect it to be with a lot of flying around by everyone. SCU win the belts after Scorpio Sky hits Matt Jackson with a belt, so that’s a surprise. But here is Bully Ray! Shouldn’t he be elsewhere, getting ready to be inducted into a Hall of Fame or something? It seems that he is not a General Manager or Authority Figure, but he is now an Enforcer to make sure the honor in the company is restored. That sure sounds like an authority figure to me. He restarts the match because he is now Dusty Rhodes or something, and the Bullet Club retain.

Very crappy ending to a really good show. Honestly, the last two matches had the wrong people going over and the reintroduction of a character that should be long gone. Great work from Marty Scurll and Jay Lethal though. Seriously, just copy and paste that last sentence every week. Until next week!

Thought Zero – Ring of Honor keeps running shows like WWE is not on the road to WrestleMania. All I can say to that is thank goodness.

1. We start with a recap of Bully Ray becoming an “Enforcer” which is just a General Manager of another name. And hey, here is Bully Ray starting the show with an in-ring promo. Why is everyone just taking his word on this? Can’t someone give Joe Koff a call and check on the legitimacy of Bully Ray’s alleged powers?  Well, Bully Ray is good on the mic and he can’t wrestle anymore, so I guess this is as good of a spot for him as any.
2. First match has So Cal Uncensored, represented by Frankie Kazarian and Scorpio Sky, taking on the Young Bucks. Hmmm… I wonder where Christopher Daniels is. I don’t think I have ever seen Kazarian and Sky team up before. And SCU attacks during the code of honor. Quickly though, the Jackson brothers turn the tables.
3. Cody Rhodes comes out to cheer on the Young Bucks and join the announce team. The Young Bucks look confused, so this must be from right after Cody attacked Kenny Omega.  Cody again reiterates that Bullet Club is fine. Back and forth match with both teams getting an extended period of offense. It gets a little interesting because I haven’t seen a lot of Scorpio Sky and his high flying offense looks impressive in tag team/short bursts. But in the end, the Young Bucks win with the Meltzer Driver. Christopher Daniels attacks after the bell and Adam Page comes down for the save while Cody moves slowly into the ring.
4. Next we have a little backstage altercation between Silas Young and Kenny King. That match will be the main event tonight.  We also hear from the Briscoes whoare coming for MCMGs ROH tag team titles. But now, here are some highlights of the Women of Honor title tournament.
5. Kelly Klein took on Bonesaw Jessie Brooks. We get some promo work from both women and then a few clips of the match. Despite her slightly robotic speaking style, Kelly Klein is coming off an almost three year undefeated streak and continues to look dominant. Klein picked up the win with a huge knee strike. She moves on to wrestle Mandy Leon in the second round.
6. Deonna Purrazzo defeated Holidead with a Fujiwara armbar to move on in the tournament as well. We got the same individual promo clips from the contenders, serving as an introduction to the women and to try to put over the importance of the tournament. Holidead says a lot of nothing but tries to be spooky. Purrazzo cries during her promo. That is not exactly the way to try to make the women appear on the level of the men.
7. The ROH 16th Anniversary show is looking pretty solid. Some of the matches include: Matt Taven versus Cody, Briscoes versus MCMGs, Marty Scurll versus Punishment Martinez, and Dalton Castle versus Jay Lethal. Just those four matches by themselves is pretty much enough to sell the show.
8. Main event is for the Ring of Honor Television title. Kenny King gets his contractually-scheduled rematch against the champion Silas Young. Young has Beer City Bruiser and Brian Milonas with him. Young also has decided to grow out his beard instead of sticking with the porn ‘stache he’s been rocking for years.
9. This match is pretty evenly matched early on. We even get a dual dropkick spot with both men trying for it at the same time. After Bruiser “accidentally” trips up King, Bully Ray comes out and enforces Bruiser and Kingpin to the back. I know I mentioned that Bully Ray is good on the mic, and he is, but if ROH wants to challenge the PG nature of the WWE, he needs to clean up the language.
10. These two go back and forth and back and forth. They are very well matched and are putting together a great main event here. The crowd, normally a little dead for Kenny King matches, gets into this one hot by the end. And we see a huge surprise as Kenny King regains the ROH TV title with a rollup pin over Silas Young. I would not be opposed to these two men wrestling again at the 16th Anniversary show. Great match.

Bully Ray started off the show saying there would be no filler. Unfortunately, there was a lot of filler as we only got two full matches tonight. But one of those matches was a TV title change, so that is still pretty awesome. ROH! ROH! ROH!

Beautiful people, the nominations for the Academy Awards have been released. Now, be honest, you haven’t seen all of the Best Picture nominees, have you? As I do each year, I would be happy to be of assistance.

I feel it is my duty to provide a thorough review/summary of each of the nominated films in case you can’t get to see all of them before the Oscars. Since you haven’t seen all of these nine movies, let me fill in the blanks. Because, for the umpteenth year in a row, I have seen exactly 0.0% of these films this year!

2017 was a pretty rough year for Hollywood. Let’s just list a few things that went wrong for Hollywood this year:

• With the rise of Fuckface Von Clownstick (thank you for the apt moniker, Jon Stewart), Hollywood was in a tizzy. Not only did the liberal elite have to listen to Mel Gibson and James Woods boast about the Republican control of the White House and both houses of Congress, but they also had to watch Clint Eastwood spend the entire year wearing a MAGA hat. Luckily no one takes Mel Gibson or James Woods seriously for other reasons as well, but the fashion faux pas by Dirty Harry shook the normally sharp-dressed actors to their core.
• Stories about Harvey Weinstein’s despicable behavior became well known outside of Hollywood circles in 2017. While these stories were not surprising, the sheer volume of them and the number of people playing moral Twister to try to justify their own behaviors gave rise to multiple audition tapes for Reed Richards in a new Fantastic Four movie.
• Hashtags officially became public enemy #1 to Hollywood in 2017. From the #MeToo movement to the #TimesUp movement (both taking on the ugliness of sexual assault and harrassment) to the #OscarsSoWhite movement (pointing out the lack of diversity in Hollywood) to the #OscarsSoMale movement (bringing attention to the blatant sexism in Hollywood), hashtags were everywhere. All of a sudden, an industry whose growth was based on the seven deadly sins was seen as a negative. Luckily, #Hashbrown never took off.
• Of course, with any positive social understanding and change, there are small-minded and hateful people who feel they have to lash out in counter-intuitive ways. So, from the morons who brought the #NotAllMen hashtag to the forefront, Hollywood started seeing a wave of horrible people who thought that having a racist and sexist president gave them the right to say and do whatever they wanted. Yeah, I have no joke here. It’s just too sad.
• Finally, not only were the Jedi placed on the endangered list, but we were informed that the last one was in danger, prompting a possible extinction of the Force.

Of course, it wasn’t just Hollywood that was affected by the calls of resistance to the de-evolving of American society. These battles played out all over reality. Movies, in addition to providing escapism, have always sought to reflect the feelings of the people. As such, movies released this year tried their best to provide hope and a reason to resist. However, the grand pall of existential despair was everywhere this year, and the Best Picture nominees show that in microcosm.

Let’s get to the nominees, in alphabetical order:

“Call Me by Your Name” – This most striking thing about this film is its bleak outlook on the movie industry itself. The directors/writers/producers/everyone did not even care enough to properly title the film. Instead, when movie theaters asked what to put on the marquee, the distributors just told them to call it by whatever name they wanted, in the snarkiest tone possible. In the promotional material provided to the Academy, there was a simple index card taped to a BetaMax videocassette which said, “Call Me by Your Name – no one cares and it doesn’t matter anyway.” Also, given that the movie was only available in BetaMax format and a very limited run of Laser Discs being produced, no one was able to watch the movie anyway. This type of self-spite made this movie the perfect Best Picture nominee for 2017.

“Darkest Hour” – One would think that this movie would be a shoo-in for a Best Picture nomination in any year. A movie that revolved around a historical figure at a critical time in world history that was well acted and intriguing seems to be begging for a Best Picture nomination. But 2017 was not a normal year. Therefore, this movie about Winston Churchill and starring Gary Oldman did not get the nomination for Best Picture. Rather, one hour of the movie was nominated for Best Picture. This sixty minute period of time was dubbed the “Darkest Hour” because the filmmakers turned off all of the lights on set for this time, ostensibly to save on electric costs (and appease the Greenpeace protesters outside). During this hour, placed exactly in the middle of the film, the entire theater becomes engulfed in darkness. The audience hears the actors bumping into set pieces and each other. The dialogue completely falls apart as actors just give up on their lines and scream in an attempt to use echolocation and escape the film lot. After this hour, the movie picks up where it left off when the lights went out without explanation. Movie critic Jay Sherman points out that this “Darkest Hour” creates “the perfect expression of disorientation associated with movie-goers free time being wasted by indulging in a pointless practice of staring slack-jawed at  a giant screen. The darkness is welcome for those who feel passing out might be the best course of action. This movie is sure to be a hit with the drunk and chemically-altered audience.”

“Dunkirk” – A comedy making the list of Best Picture nominations is a surprise move. Not only is “Dunkirk” a comedy, but it is, in essence, a sports movie. Well, at least this movie COULD HAVE been a comedy, if it was focused from a different perspective. “Dunkirk” suffered the most from a typo when the movie was released. The original name of the film was “Dunk. Irk!” and is a basketball movie highlighting the phenomenon known as posterizing. Posterizing is a term used when a basketball player dunks the ball over an opponent and the result is so impressive that the image is used for a poster celebrating it. The opposing player, the one who is being beaten badly, only gets to be on the poster because he stinks. With that in mind, the film title of “Dunk. Irk!” is spoken by the defensive player because try as he might, the superior offensive athlete is making him look foolish. However, with the typo, people believed this was a World War II movie and probably why it was nominated. But in this odd year, maybe a film laughing at the humiliation of losing in sport is a worthy contender.

“Get Out” – What is there to say about this movie? Well, for starters, it isn’t really a movie. It is a blatant scam. The theater takes your $12.50 for the ticket and requires you to purchase at least $32.75 worth of refreshments. Once everyone gets into their seats and settled, the screen flashes a singular title card, stolen from an old Monopoly board game: and screams the name of the movie over and over again. Then, the doors are locked and everyone in the theater is subjected to a lame Escape Room type of game. After one hour, an announcement comes over the speakers saying that the popcorn was poisoned and escape is the only way to get the antidote. At the end of the three hours in the theater, the doors are unlocked and ushers come in to clean. Definitely not a movie for the faint of heart. However, it masterfully matches the overwhelming sense we have of being dead inside with being dead outside.

“Lady Bird” – Finally we get a movie with substance. This film details the heartwarming tale of a patriotic young woman named Juli who was going for a bicycle ride one day. She was minding her own business, enjoying the weather, when suddenly the Presidential motorcade came screaming around the bend, almost mowing her down. Incensed by the lack of human decency displayed by this egotistical ass, Juli spoke the visual language of the vast majority of the country and gave the motorcade the middle finger. Colloquially, this gesture is called “flipping the bird,” giving the movie its title. Later in the movie, Juli is fired from her job because her bosses are a bunch of weak-minded cowards. But never fear, her heroism is rewarded through a GoFundMe campaign and she gains immortality through a hugely viral meme. This hero story of the last living person with hope is the odds-on favorite to win, if not the Oscar, then the hearts of millions.

“Phantom Thread” – This movie is one of the more symbolic movies which have been nominated for Best Picture this year. Already a shoo-in for Best Costume Design, this film rises above the level of gimmick early on. “Phantom Thread” was filmed in front of a giant green screen but used no CGI. The trick used to such great effect was that every costume was sewed together using very thick green thread which matched the green screen itself. This created the illusion of disembodied parts floating around and characters who seemed to be physically tearing apart at every seam. Obviously, this is representative of the disassociation in the world and the fractured nature of us all. The plot of the movie was definitely secondary to this thoughtful insight into our souls.

“The Post” – One of the more divisive films on this list, it was rumored that Tim Allen protested this film as a “left-wing liberal conspiracy of the highest order, most likely funded by George Soros.” When asked if Mr. Allen knew who Mr. Soros was, he simply grunted like a caveman, said, “I’m Santa Claus!” and ran off into the woods. The film itself is a master class in minimalism. For two hours and 37 minutes, we see a singular fence post on the screen. We can see the remains of a run-down farm behind the post with a voiceover explaining this post “stands in Nebraska, but could be anywhere.” The narration, handled by Ron Howard, speaks for the entire film, in the most condescending tone imaginable, about how the post is a symbol. It is a symbol of the midwest, the heartland, the guts of America. But also it is a symbol of ignorance and corn-based home-made alcohol and meth addiction and jingoism. “The Post” symbolizes the foolishness of the typical Trump voter who votes against his or her best interests. The only action in the film is sophomoric and occurs in the last five minutes. That is when an ugly pigeon with a bad toupee lands on the post to defecate on it. And scene.

“The Shape of Water” – One of the more straightforward movies of the year, “The Shape of Water” explores what happens when diametrically opposed sides argue over any topic to the point of inaction. Obviously, the shape of water depends on the container in which it is housed, so that container is the item argued over in the movie. 85% of the movie is from found footage first aired on C-Span with the remainder filmed on location in the United States Capitol building. To gain a consensus on the shape of water, House Republicans suggest glass drinkware. House Democrats counter that plastic beverage holders would be more appropriate. Eventually settling on a pint glass with a rubber coozie, the Senate side takes up the debate. Senate Republicans argue that a cup might be easier to handle. Senate Democrats, led by Senator Hook of Neverland, take offense and demand that a pail be used for the water. Senators Jack and Jill (Republicans from the Hill) filibuster for hours, using Jack’s CT scans for visual effect of the pail being a bad idea. I would warn you of spoilers, but let’s be honest, you aren’t seeing this movie for the plot. You’re seeing this movie for the special effects, as after 3 hours of pointless and childish bickering from our country’s supposed leaders, cool-looking, shape-shifting Terminators come back in time and blow up Washington DC just minutes before another continuation resolution vote can be heard. So happy endings all around.

“Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri” – Perhaps the bleakest of all the bleak movies this year, this film consists of three still shots, repeating in order: WE ARE DOOMED.

This year’s batch of Best Picture nominees share a strong moment in cinematic history. They remind us that not only can we not see the forest for the trees but we also cannot smell the napalm being used as accelerant in the approaching wildfire.

Whichever movie takes home the golden idol to worship, the Academy would like you to remember that movies teach us all an important lesson. That lesson is: nothing matters and we are all going to die, so you may as well keep seeing these things.

Until next year (maybe), enjoy the Oscars!